perescution.

i know what they mean now,
when they say "it's scary."
talking about jesus,
the love of my life,
it's got me at my end.
i try so hard.
i want my best friend to know Jesus.
i want all my best friends to know Jesus.
and it seems impossible.
i know, i know.
philippians 4:13.
i can do all things through
christ who gives me strength.
but i don't know how to say
"I just love you so much,
& i can't stand the thought that
one day, any day, you could die,
and what would happen after that?"
I'm not going to tell my best friends,
Hey let's hang out tonight,
oh, and by the way, you're going to hell.
the thought of any of my friends
doomed to an eternity of suffering,
makes me literally sick.
i wish i knew how to get through to them.
maybe i'll go check la biblia.
it always seems to have those kinds of answers.
Jesus makes life easy that way,
can't you see?
You need an answer,
you always have one.
you need an ear,
that's always there, too.
he makes it easy.
there's nothing special you have to do.
live like me,
live for me,
believe in me.
it's really that simple.
could it really be the answer
to all your problems?
yes, and no.
yes, because like i said,
you always have someone there.
you always have me,
but even i will let you down,
and come up with empty answers.
he'll never disappoint.
but it's not all
rainbows and butterflies.
like now, for example.
i'm sturggling with my friends,
and how to show them just how
much i love them,
and in turn,
how much jesus loves them.
maybe that's it,
i need to just love on them.
at least for now.
i can be the best friend,
the best to my ability.
be the one who cares.
the one that's always there,
who always has the right answer,
or at least can try.
a shoulder to cry on.
a bag to beat on.
just be here.
i can do that.
at least until i figure out something
else to do.
i just want my best friends
to know jesus.
i just want them to have the joy
that i have.
laugh if you will,
i know i'm no a normally happy person,
but when you get down to
the nitty gritty.
i'm happy, and content.
i know that no matter what happens,
i have god.
even if the situation comes to death,
because then i get to go home.
this place we're in,
it's temporary.
so, so temporary.

i'm awake in the infinite cold.

and i don't know how much longer i can handle it.

i need to get a grip on things.

i really, really do.

i crave this innocent, consuming love.

why can't someone love me?

purely love me?

my friend who had followed her heart,

no matter what,

she's been hurt too many times,

and has given up on love.

i hopw i don't get there.

i'm surprised i haven't yet.

i've been hurt enough.

i'm trying to work on my

a person a day blog again.

it's difficult, though.

maybe i'll go do that now.

:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i like school.
me and lauren have funnn.
i'm really tired,
but chris is coming over today, yay!
he's staying all week,
then heading back after thanksgiving.
and me and lauren might be chilling tonight,
who knowsss.

time to go do work.
oh wait it's all done aleadyy lol

kaybye:)

Dr. Emory Emerson's Ten Breakup Commandments

1. Move out.
2. You cannot be friends.
3. Do not process this breakup together.
4. Do not bad-mouth your ex to other people.
5. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him.
6. Start an exercise regime.
7. Pursue an interest you could not have pursued while you and your ex were together.
8. Take a vacation.
9. Embrace change.
10. Go on a date - there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

You're lovely.

It's been a while since I blogged,
because honestly,
I don't have anything to say.
Weird, right?
Nothing is going on right now.
I'm just waiting, waiting, waiting.
I heard someone say something about
wishing time away.
I feel bad doing it,
but a couple months from now,
and i can get on with the rest of my life.

Last night,
I went to reset,
and cannot wait for the next one.
It brought..realization.
Maybe not necesarily good ones,
but realizations, never the less.

I want to be a
portrait of redemption.

i want to give everything to god.

if i don't wear my crown,
he'll give it to someone else.

period, end of story.

if i don't accept the
responsibility of giving
it all to him, he's not going
to make me. he gives me the
option. and if i want to
walk away, he's not going
to stop me.

God, don't let me walk away.

Take it all,
I don't want it anymore.

:)

i can tell that we are gonna be friends.

we did it,
came to a conclusion.
we aren't dating,
we aren't "talking"
we aren't waiting.
we are..just.
& i'm okay with that.
friends.
sophia niccum and kyle solomon are now friends.
it's a beautiful thing.

is lying okay if it makes someone feel better?
or feel really bad now,
but better in the long run?

hypothetically of course.

lauren iz my bee eff eff. :)

juicy juicy juicy.
channing channing channing.
coach. coach. coach.
shopping shopping shopping.

lomayne, baby,
i think we need to get our
priorities straight..

time to be real.

what does that mean exactly?

tomssssss

& they're sparklyyyyy.

love-at-first-sight.

Mrs. Buchanan told me to get to work.

this is considered work , right ?

i'm sitting next to caleb the breakfast boy .
he hates women .
end of story .

i need to work on this autobiography ,
but i don't have it ,
cause i didn't get to email it to myself ,
cause mom's computer wasn't working .

i get out of here in ten minutes .
i don't think i have anything
to talk about for ten whole minutes .

uhm . . .
everyone is going to connor's house ,
and people asked me to go .
that was really funny .
connor would probably kick me out .
not that i want to go anyways ,
but the thought is entertaining .
i love how someone can go from loving you ,
to never acknowledging your existance .
oh well , things happen ,
and i've gotten over it .

i don't need a boy ,
cause none of them measure up .
i have high standards ,
and i have to stop stooping ,
to end my lonliness.

no one can love me like He can.

no one can even come close.

"why are you still searching,
as if i'm not enough."

I need to be a more positive person..

Which is
the reason
I deleted my
last post
before I
published it.


i hate you.
i hate what you're
making me do.
i hate you.
i hate how you're
making me feel.

worthless.
second rate.

there is only one guy
that can make me
feel the way i should.

love me unconditionally,
no matter what
He'll never cheat.
He'll never hurt me.
Ever.
I can trust him.
He'll listen,
and if I am willing,
we can actually talk.

He won't break his promises.

He won't make promises that
are already broken.


and i haven't
been giving
him the
attention
he deserves.

*as you can see , i've got time to kill ;

I saw Gabrielle
this morning,
that made
me happy :)

First hour,

We won

second place in

the canned

foood drive.

That means

Bread Co. breakfast :)

I like breakfast.

Second hour,
We got
new music,
It's easy.

I think Fitz

still hates

my guts.

oh well.

Now i'm

in marketing

with Lauren.

our project

is due

tomorrow.

Guess that

means we have

to do it today.

Which sucks

cause I need

to go to the

Lindenwood

Concert tonight.

Oh, sounds like

I'm going

with Lauren

If my mom

says ok.

hope so,

i need it

for my grade.

which is

an F.

Oh, I can

get my

license today.

I'm going

to wait though.

I want to

make sure

I pass.

Lauren said

I can

take it in

her car.

Cause it's

small &

easy to drive.

Time to

work on

this project.

& get as

much done

as possible

so i dont'

have to

do it

at home.

Peace.

Out.

Homies.

*power means never having to say you're sorry ;

what do i say.

i'm ashamed of the way i act,

the way i am.

they're all ashamed.

my parents,

my friends,

my god.

what do i do.

you can't completely change overnight.

maybe you can?

i suppose it's completely possible.

it would be difficult..

extremely difficult.

couldn't hurt..

what would it take, exactly?

i wish i knew.

i wish i had a checklist.

god, can you hear me?

i need a list.

i'm good with lists..

this life thing,

not so good at.

awkward is fun.

twenty-one year old hits on girl.
girl and boy talk.
girl says how old do you think i am, anyways?
boy guesses eighteenish.
girl corrects him,
saying she's sixteen.
boy never emails again.

:) life is fun.

* it's not easybeing royalty ;

& maybe i'm a little bit addicted.

I'm just a poor romantic ;

Mr. Darcy: Miss Elizabeth. I have struggled in vain and I can bear it no longer. These past months have been a torment. I came to Rosings for the single object of seeing you. I had to see you. I have fought against my better judgement, my family’s expectation, the inferiority of your birth, my rank.These circumstances, all of these things I am willing to put them aside and ask you to end my agony.
Elizabeth: I don’t understand.
Mr. Darcy: I love you

Crying in class is always good..

Oh tragedy has taken so many
Love lost cause they all forgot who You were
And it scares me to think that
I would choose my life over You

Oh my selfish heart divides me from You, it tears us apart
So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?

Oh how do I let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars and hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart makes me forget it's not me but you
Who makes the heart beat

I'm lost without you and you're dying for me
So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?

Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful, so beautiful
At the end of it all I want to be in Your arms

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful, so beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful, so beautiful

If I don't get ice cream in the next, like, ten seconds, I might drop dead.

Work tonight.
I think I'm excited?
I get to hang out with Jim,
since he's working.
Hmm.

No realm,though.
That sucks.

Tomorrow I have a date with Brooke
and Roger to go to waffle house.

Then I have work Saturday.

I'm going to keep myself busy.
Busy busy busy.
Keep my mind off things.
Keep my mind on you.

I've just got to focus on you.
Everything else will fall into place.

I'm going to be okay.

Time to breathe in, and let everything out.

how did this happen?

i'm sitting in school.
how did this happen,
why am i here again.

You have to let me do this.

I know this is what God wants me to do;
I know it is.
Education wasn't his highest concern.

1 Corinthians 1:19
"I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;
the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."

The people who put intelligence first,
They were wasting their time.
God cares more that you follow his plans.
And this, this is his plan.
I'm not saying intelligence is bad,
No, not at all.
I'm just saying that the plans
That I have for my life,
They don't include high school.
They don't require high school.
I can work full time,
And be ahead of the game.
I don't need to be wasting
Any more time.
High school isn't for everyone.
I know plenty of successful people
That left high school early.
Elise for example.
She left at 16,
Couldn't deal with the people,
And just wanted to move on with her life.
She's now a successful banker,
And it didn't put an obstacle in her plan.
She's fine.
Princess Diana dropped out at 16.
Ringo Starr.
Harry Houdini.
Ray Kroc.
Elton John.
Charles Dickens.
Colonel Sanders.
George Burns.
Richard Branson.
Walt Disney.
John Rockefeller.
Albert Einstein.
Benjamin Franklin.
Bill Gates.
These people knew that
They didn't need to waste their time.
High school just didn't make sense,
And didn't fit into their plan.
There's no point anymore.
There really, really isn't.
I will go get books from the library,
I'll study by butt off for my GED.
I'll work full time.
Get a car,
Move on with my life.
I will go to college,
In two years,
I promise.
I have to do this.
You have to let me do this.

You know what,
Bryan Adams dropped out too.

hi, i love my life.

i have an awesome best friend.
i have an awesome boy.
i have an awesome mom.
i'm done with that stupid school.
i'm done talking to that dumb boy,
he still thinks he's a baller, hah.
honey, you're the farthest thing from it.
first day of work,
went fantastic.
maybe i'll make it a full-time,
since i won't be going to school.
i hate that school so much.
everyone there.
sayonara, peeps.
time to live my life.
not waste it in that hell hole.
tell me i'm throwing away my life,
i couldn't care less.
i know what i'm doing is right,
and no one is going to stop me :)

a real picture?

i made it sepia,
causeeee..
1. my shirt is green, so my eyes are
looking greenish, and i decided i like
them brown...so.
2. i like sepia?
3. i wanted my hair to look brown again.

that's how God made me.
dark hair,
dark skin,
dark eyes.

and as much as i try,
i can't escape it,
and really i shouldn't want to.

i'm pretty,
cause God made me that way.
and saying i'm not,
dangg that must be insulting
to my creator.

my hair is growing
quicker than i thought it would.
to say i'm excited,
that's an understatement.

i stayed home from school today.
i didn't really mean to,
but i don't plan on going anyways.
i don't plan on going
ever, ever, ever.
i still need to talk to my dad about it.
i can't imagine him minding me being out though.
away from all those "dirtbag buttkissers"
gotta love my dad (:

and i realized lately how much i do.
you gotta admit, he's a funny guy,
and he really does just care about me,
and want the best for me.

hmm, well..
i'm getting mighty hungry.
and i should go work on my english assingment.
even if i drop out,
i still want to turn in this assignment.
900 points,
and i want my teacher to read it.
she took an interest in me,
whether it was mere interest,
pity maybe?
she's like my counselor,
she knows everything.
i guess i just want her to really
know everything (:

time to go.
first day of work today.
wish me luck (:

hi my name is high school drop out. again.

picture of the week,
even though i've skippped alot.
pink socks, hell yeah.
blonde hair, hell-er yeah?
mom took it.
under it on her blog it says
"i wish this girl wasn't so sad.
my beautiful sixteen year old
with the weight of the world
on her shoulders."
i wish i wasn't so sad too, mom.
but shit happens,
life happens.
and sometimes,
i'm just not strong enough to deal.
actually, it's more than sometimes.
it's always.
i'm done with school.
i'm done with the people there.
i'm dropping out again,
i can't do this.
i can't deal with the lies,
the rumors.
i've got better things to do
with my time, with my life.
what is high school doing for me?
education? i get none.
by choice, but still.
i'm a smart girl,
smarter than most.
i'm not saying that like
a conceited thing,
i'm just saying,
i'll be fine without highschool.
i'll get my GED.
i'll start working full time.
i'll make some money,
get a car.
start saving.
get ahead of the game,
by two years.
when i turn eighteen,
i'll go to cosmetology.
i'll go to the community college
and get a basic business degree.
then i'll start on the rest of my life.
i can't do this,
i can't,
and i won't.
'm done talking about it,
i'm just going to do it.
sayanara school,
i'll miss you.

oh wait, that's a lie.

nicole degrendele, i love you.

guys are fail,
why do they crave control?

oh i'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

i hate highschool.
i hate people.
i hate lies.
i hate friends.
i hate everything.

why is it so hard to tell the truth.

why is it so hard to get along.

why is it that life has to be

SO FREAKING HARD.

God, if you didn't want suicide,

you wouldn't make this life thing difficult.

i'm not saying i'm suicidal,

i'm just, well..

i'm just saying.

back stabbers and bitches.

it's all i've come to know.

Nuff' Said.

rambling out of insanity.

How could I do that to people;
what you're doing to me.
The uneasy feeling in your stomach at all times;
wondering if every word
could be the last
Not knowing when you'll get that call
"did you hear they killed themself?"
i can't do this.
hmmmmmm.

everyone is falling apart.
lauren and tiffani.
lauren and brenden.
kyle and andrew.
kyle and me.
me and andrew.
andrew and lauren.
kyle and lauren.

how is this happening?
the drama is killing me.

me and heather don't speak.

high school kills me.

it literally is killing me.

how do people handle it?
i have to think about my future though,
i can't drop out again.
i should,
i know i should.
why am i so desperate to be normal,
when i know i'm far from it.
jesus, i know you made me different.
you made me so that i stand out,
i get that.
but why?
can you show me why?
i think you're telling me to get out
get out of high school
get away from the people
get away from the drama
god, do you know how scared i am?
well i guess you do.
i just wish..
i wish you were here.
i want you to hold me.
i want you to hold my hand.
i want you to be here,
and keep me safe.
i want you to be my superman.
i need to stop looking for your kind of love
in my kind of species.
humans are fails.
guys are fails.
relationships are fails.
high school is a big fail.
i'm a fail.
i need to give up.
god, i can't do it!
i need to die.
die to myself,
be reborn in you.
isn't that how that thing works?
okay god, i'm dying.
i'm dying dying dying.
i'm done.
i can't do this anymore.

i can't do any of this.
any of it.
nothing.
nada.

finito.
sayonara.

kapeesh?

until starbucks melts and the sun comes up.

I don't understand how these things can happen.
My fingers are numb, It's really hard to type.
I've been sitting on my porch for who knows how long.
It was freezing.
The mood, and the weather.
Kyle offered to bring me starbucks.
Starbucks, my weakness.
Venti double chocolate chip frappachino extra whip, please.
He got it perfect.
We sat on my porch.
We talked.
We cried.
He held me for a second,
Until I realized he was doing it,
And I pushed him away.
The thing I wanted most, and least in the world.
I want you to hold me.
I want you to have never held her.
I've never seen him cry until tonight.
I wanted to crawl across the porch,
And hold you.
I wanted to wipe your tears away,
And scratch your back like you love,
And say sweetly in your ear,
"Kyle, baby..stop your crying.
It's all going to be okay."
People keep telling me so many different things.
Forgive him.
Don't forgive him.
Forgive him and go back.
Don't forgive him.
Forgive him and never talk to him again.
Don't forgive him.
I can't leave him.
I hate to love you,
And love to hate you.
When you're dreaming with a broken heart,
The waking up is the hardest part.
I don't like to sleep anymore.
The dreams kill me.
Waking up to realize that it's actually reality;
That's so much harder.

I crave sanity.

Bad day beginning.

Woke up @ 7:20.
School starts @ 7:25.
I went to wake Alex up,
And she was gone.
That's when I realized what had happened.
She let me sleep,
And took the bus.
I wouldn't care,
Except that Sam came to get me this morning.
She doesn't come knock,
She pulls up and calls my phone.
My phone is dead though,
And my charger disappeared.
I wonder how pissed she is at me.
It wasn't my fault. :(
So, no school for me today.
And no school tomorrow.
I have no voice
From screaming my head off at Kyle for two days.
I called him yesterday though,
And said, "I forgive you."
I was one of the scariest things
I've ever done.
I don't know where we go from here.
I don't think we work toward rebuilding a relationship.
Maybe right now we work on being friends.
He said he just wants to earn my trust back.
That could take a while.
I told him a long time ago
That I choose to love him every day
No matter what.
My Mom told me that if I marry
For butterflies in my stomach,
I'm screwed cause they go away.
I told him that the butterflies are
already gone, except for rare occasions.
I choose to love him,
No matter what.
Now though, yes, I'm choosing to love him.
But as what exactly?
A friend?
I'm not sure I consider him my friend.
A boyfriend?
That won't happen for a long time, if ever.
No one is going to understand.
They all say hate him.
And I wish I could.
But I said I'd love him,
Through good and bad.
Yesterday I was reading my datable book,
And it was talking about how dating is practicing for divorce.
That's what I feel like this is.
I'm going to try and work through it.
God help me.
I'm still nauseus.
I still see it.
I still hear him asking.
He still doesn't know what happened.
He admitted that he could have asked,
But has no idea.
The only thing that kills me about that,
is that then it was a two way thing..
He was...
She was...
It wasn't a "I was asleep and she did it."
I'm so glad he doesn't remember it.
Well, my Mom doesn't have to worry about
Me and him having sex now,
That's not gonna happen, for sure.
I'm disgusted at the thought.
I started crying,
Realizing that he would have let me,
and never told me that i wasn't the first.
i would've given it up.
Thank God I didn't.
Thank you Dad for not letting us hang out alone.
Thank you so, so much.
You saved me a ton of heartache.
I wish you could've saved it all though.

i hope this is everything you wanted

was ripping my heart out part of your plan?

kill me.

i let my guard down
i let myself fall in love
i let myself get torn apart
all i want is for the pictures to stop
to stop seeing it
and hearing it
over and over and over
i feel like i'm in the end of
the move when i a stranger calls
i've been driven insane
i literally am wanting to do sone veryy bad things
i can't handle this
i can't do it
i can't do it
i can't
i won't
i can't.

please tell me this isn't happening.
and the worst part,
he asked for it.

i've literally been crying all night,
then woke up and started crying again.
i don't understand how he could do that to me.
lie about it for months,
finally admit it,
and then STILL lie.
you asked her to have sex with you.
you were awake.
you weren't drunk.
you weren't asleep.
you're an asshole.
i seriously wish i could drop dead right now.
or maybe you should instead.
i can't believe this.
i wish i could wake up from this nightmare.
but i have a feeling that isn't going to happen.

i've never been so hurt.
i've never felt so stupid.
i've never been this alone.
but really, i'm not alone.
i'm just without him.
and really, who cares?
he had sex with her!
he doesn't care about me!
duuhhhh! :)
time to get him outta my life.
he's a liar liar pants on fire,
and cheater cheater, pumkin eater.
and a waste of my time.
stupid boy, you will waste my time no more.
guess what?

i hate you :)

and talking to you ever again,
and i mean EVER,
would be too soon.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends ;

I want to be a peacemaker.

I want a simple life.

I want to get along with people.

I want all the rumors to go away.

I want peace.

Is that so much to ask?

I know it seems completely out of reach,

But it's right there.

It's so close I can taste it.

I am reaching for it,

Stumbling,

I want it so bad.

I want all the situations to go away.

I want a solution.

As much as I hate it,

I know what I have to do.

I have to get rid of the boys.

Kyle.

Connor.

Dillon, before we get involved.

I can't do this anymore,

It's not fair to either of us.

I care about Kyle so much,

But it's getting in the way of too much.

And I love Connor,

I always have.

But he's made it clear I'm not right for him.

Whether he was playing games,

Or really doesn't want me,

He made it clear,

It's over, we're done.

Never going back.

It's all over.

Time to start over.

My fortune cookie said

"A new relationship is in your future.''

A new relationship with myself, hopefully.

That's the relationship I need to work on.

And my relationship with God.

How will I ever love anyone else

If I don't love myself?

I'm the only person I can't ever get away from.

That's a really scary thought.

I don't know how this is going to work.

I've never been without a boy.

Not one day since fifth grade.

I don't know if i can do this.

I want to cry just thinking about it.

But I have to try.

I know it can be done,

People do it all the time.

I can do it, right?

Right?

:)

what do you do
when you hear the same lie over and over
and don't want to believe it.

then his best friend confirms your worst fear
it actually happened
and he's been lying all along.

every time i've asked.
lied right to my face.

you slept with her.
how about you be a man
and own up to it, huh?

family christian is calling me today
hopefully to say "hey you've got the job."

cross yo fingers fo me.

Fort Smith

I'm sitting in Fort Smith,
Well, Van Buren to be exact.
Still, Arkansas is Arkansas.
Since I've arrived,
I've figured some things out.
I want a baby, a bird, a puppy, a gerbil, and a sheep.
It stuck it's tongue out at me and went baaaaaaa!
I screamed like a six year old girl and all the people looked at me.
I guess they could tell that I don't live around here.
Not anymore anyways.
I used to come here and feel like I was finally home again.
Now, I just feel like an alien.
Or a foreigner.
Or a stupid little city girl,
That is ridiculously out of place here.
I have played with,
Since I got here,
A calf,
A goat,
A sheep,
Some chickens,
A boy in red underwear,
And saw a grown man in a diaper.
Just a diaper..
With a pacifier.
Welcome to Fort Smith.

I miss home.
I miss people at home.
Even though I couldn't see them anyways.
I still feel like if something happened,
I'm a million miles away.

Going home. Where is home, exactly?

I'm leaving this morning for Fort Smith.
I'm not telling everyone this time,
Because I'm not going to waste my time with people that
I don't care about.
I want to see Rhett.
We've been best friends since 8th grade.
I moved, and we still kept in touch.
I love this kid so much,
And after three years of taling constantly,
I finally get to see him.
Itd be good if he could answer my phonecalls
But I suppose it's not necessary until I'm really in town.
I don't think I'm going to get to see Jessica.
I hope something works out so that I can.
Time to leave.
Wish us a safe trip.

Happy halloween :)

take my hand lets go
somewhere we can rest our souls.

personal narrative for english class.

Sophia Niccum
Mrs. Buchanan
English 2
October 29, 2009

--------------------------------------------

Centrepoint

I would say once upon a time,

but this story is the farthest thing from a fairytale.

It’s about my stay in hell on Earth.

Welcome to the psyche ward.

------------------------------------

“Get the hell off of me!” was the first thing I heard as the double doors clicked shut behind me. At this point, I realized there was no turning back. I was committed; no pun intended. I was halfway to the nurses’ station when the huge doors were thrown open behind me. My first thought was to run. As I turned around to do just that, I smacked into the chest of a tight-shirted cop, holding onto the handcuffs of a teenage boy with a bloodied face and a painful-looking black eye. I thought to myself, Man, this place doesn’t mess around. It was at that very moment that I dropped my “I don’t care” attitude that I had been holding onto with everything in me. I was scared. I wanted out, and I wasn’t really in yet. The doors slammed shut for the second time, and were bolted. There was no way out. I figured my best shot now was to follow the rules, and get out of there as soon as possible.

----------------------------------------------

I walked to the nurse and gave her my name. She continued to ask me questions about myself while my things were being taken away and placed into a plastic bag. They took my body jewelry, bandana, and everything in my pockets. They took my shoelaces out of my shoes, and placed those in the bag. I felt stripped of everything. Ironically, as that thought occurred I was escorted to a room where I was informed that I was going to be strip searched. They then proceeded to investigate, marking every bruise, scar, and cut. They marked the roadmap of my whole life, with the scars to show for it, and placed it in my file.

----------------------------------------------

I got dressed once again and was taken to my room where I was given scrubs to change into. After changing, I was introduced to my roommates. I took in the room, not paying attention to their names, or anything around me. I became consumed in my thoughts. I was confined to four white walls, with nothing but four small beds. Two windows were all we could see of the outside world, the place that had scared us into this sad, little room. From the window I could see the street leading to my house and the tops of the houses in my neighborhood. I was so close to home, and yet really, I was a million miles away.

----------------------------------------------

When the unit attendant left, the girls introduced themselves again. I felt like I was in jail. The introductions consisted of their names, and why they were there. The first girl I met was named Katie. She was a schizophrenic lesbian with a bar through her tongue. She definitely made my stay interesting, with a story for everything, and an attitude to kill. In the middle of meeting the other girls, I was called out into the hallway. I was taken by the arm and walked past the nurses’ station, past the end of a hallway, and told to wait outside of a door. While standing there I heard a boy cursing at someone not to touch him. He walked out holding his arm, and I realized I was having blood taken. Not a fan of needles, I was hesitant to walk in. I told the nurse that needles made me queasy, and she asked why I was there. When I told her, she laughed cruelly in my face, and said, “You wanted to kill yourself, but you’re scared of a needle?”

----------------------------------------------

She laughed while she jabbed the needle into my arm, taking yet another part of me. I was then asked another series of questions, and handed a cup. When I gave her a weird look, she said, “Just need to make sure you’re not having a little Crazy Jr.”

----------------------------------------------

Pregnancy tests and blood, how long did they plan on me being here? When the medical evaluation was through, I was told to run to group therapy, and I was late. I walked into a room of girls yelling, fighting, and cussing. I thought to myself sarcastically, welcome to the jungle, and took the seat in the back corner. We went through our names and why we were there, and I was appalled. These girls had done things you had only heard about and hoped weren’t true. I spent the week getting to know those girls, and that at the heart of every one of them was fear. We were all simply scared. I spent my time there learning to overcome these fears. I learned to love myself, and in turn love other people. As awful, and nightmare-inducing the place was, it changed me. I still cringe when I hear the name, and wake crying from time to time, but it just reminds me that no matter how bad it gets, I could always be back in Centrepoint. The most important thing I learned there is that when you’ve hit your absolute bottom, the only thing to say is, “It can only go up from here.”

Mean Girls.

Why do we feel the need to be at each others' throats?

I'm guilty of it, too, but why?

What in us makes us want to be bitches,

No matter who they are.

Why does it take an authority figure FORCING us

To sit down in a room, and talk it out.

Why does it take threats of suspension and juvie

To make all the drama go away?

We all had problems with each other.

Sarah.

Haley.

Sarah.

Kalyn.

Me.

Lauren.

Tiffani.

Nicholynn.

Kristen? I don't remember her name.

Kailyn was supposed to be there,

But she skipped class so they thought she went home.

Nicholyn made a mean video over the summer about Haley.

Problem number one.

He and Haley hate each other,

For multiple reasons.

Problems two-infinity.

Because of us, others got involved.

They were "being friends"

They were "sticking up for us."

Lauren took a picture,

Posting it on facebook.

She tagged it as Haley is a skank.

Girls started commenting.

The kind of comments that could make her kill herself.

Why do we have to do this?

YES, I KNOW I'M A SHIT STARTER,

BUT WHY!

I want to know why I do these things!

I hurt people!

I'm just as bad as every other one of the girls

That I complain about!

I'm DONE!

We're killing ourselves,

And each other.

I feel like I'm living in the ending

Of Mean Girls right now, everything has been resolved.

But has it really?

There will be more situations.

We are going to handle these the right way.

Besides,

Any more mistakes mean suspension

For all of us.

closure will come, right?

Heartbreaker:(9:01) We had a good run, thanks for trying. Goodbye Sophia Niccum.

update as of 10/27

- well, it's the twentyseventh, which is ironic,
considering what happened today.
-missed my bus.
-passed a test.
-rain frizzed my hair and messup up my makeup.
-adam is in a poopy mood.
-got called in for an interview for tomorrow.
-want a shower, rain makes me feel dirty.
-dentist appointment today, ew.

that's all.

Some happy kiddos.

Sophia...
misses Ivy.
wishes life was all sunshiney.
is stealing ideas from her old best friend.
wishes certain people's Mommys didn't hate me-
-especially for not reason.
is not unstable, stop calling me that.
really wants my phone to ring.
is thinking about Gabrielle.
needs a new camera ayy-sap.
loves this picture.
is listening to Plush, acoustic.
is cracking her neck.
feels a little lonely.
knows that lonely is good for her.
wishes that Sam would come over.
wishes Adam had followed through.
is wishing too much.
likes pancakes.
wants pancakes really bad.
is a little naive.
skipped sign language class tonight-
- cause i don't like the people there.
quit sign class, mwa haha.
's phone still isn't ringing, hmm.
likes her friends.
needs to call lauren.
needs to get off here.
is going.
is going.
is gone.

Hmm, best friend re-entering my life.
Me likey, me likey.

Adam called me literally the second the bell rang.
"Hey, can I come pick you up from school and drive you home?"
Cute.. very cute (:
I told him no, but that we could hang out.
He was sitting at my house when I got home.
Mom thought Dillon was hilarious.
It was nice to have them just chilll here.
It was nice to feel like I have friends.

I miss Glen,
and it majorly sucks butt.

It's 6:47.
Adam got off hockey at 5:15,
And they said they'd come over afterwards.
"I'll call you later."
Hmm, guess I have no plans for tonight.
Oh welllll.

My autobiography is kicking my butt.
Asrg;idfgklsdfgbsfdgs.

Oh, and Samantha is cool.
Kbye.

Not loving you is harder than you know.

Dear Mom,
You don't need curtains.
Now that I've got that out of the way...

I have a problem lately,
Being that I don't feel like I can trust anymore.
Everyone lets you down,
Talks about you,
Or stabs you in the back.
I guess that's just the human species, though.



The halloween party went okay.
I went as a cop,
Sam went as a lion,
& We made Zach go as a pink bunny.
See picture, obvoiusly.
( his jacket is pink, )

Me and Kyle broke up.
We decided that not talking at all this time
Was the best route to take.
Watching the sun reflect in those perfect green eyes
While I had to tell you goodbye for good
Was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I guess saying we decided isn't exactly true.
Ok, ok.. So I decided,
but he'll thank me someday.
Not to my face, because we aren't talking,
But you get the point.

Thanks for the ride
It was fun while it lasted.

My best friend hurt me more than I thought possible.
Long story short,
She called and asked to hang out,
I was busy.
She misunderstood something I said,
And thought I was with her ex.
We cleared that up,
Laughed about it.
I told her my boyfriend dumped me.
We hang up.
She calls and asks him to hangout.
Excuse me, but what the hell?
After almost freaking out,
Thinking I'm with your ex,
That YOU dumped for a guy that
Turned out not being real,
And then finding out mine dumped me
THAT DAY,
What in your mind made you think,
"Hey, let's call and ask him to hang out?"
Just wondering.
God, I have fantastic friends, huh?

I'm a vegan again.
At least for a little while.
I want to lose more weight.
Apparently 106 is the healthy weight for my height.
Pshhhhhhhhhhh. We'll see.

I am headed to see Rhett this friday.
I told my Mom to betroth me.
She's in the middle of the interview process.
My best friend,
First time in years.
I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am.
I would put a picture,
But I've never taken one with him.
Not yet anyways :)

I don't think I have much left to say.
I need to go shower
And clean my room.
I have Origins tonight.
I'm excited for that,
And all the kids there,
That actually care about God.
It's a nice change of scenery.

guess i just blew what you would call my "last chance".

oh well.

Back to the old drawing board.

Attempt # 56768

Please don't hurt me this time.

The Reason I Love My Mom;

"I just started Weight Watchers. Oh, I just ate an Oreo... Shit."

Belonging.

What does it take to feel accepted?
What does it take to belong?
To feel like, for once, you're not alone?

The answer is not in other people.
Have we ever stopped to think that God
Is literally the only thing that can complete us.

Contemplation is the act of separating us
From the world of self.
Taking ourself out of the mindset of
Me, me, me.
To be quiet for two seconds,
And simply listen.

This doesn't mean to isolate yourself,
Just because people can't cure you.
Isolation leads to bitterness,
Which leads to violence.

We all want something to wrap our arms around;
Something to live for.
And more importantly,
Something to die for.

"I Am the True Vine, and my Father is the Gardener.I Am the Bread of Life.I Am the Light of the World.I Am the Gate.I Am the Resurrection. I Am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. I Am. "

He is everything to us that no one else can be.
No mere human can provide like he can.

"Follow me in this thing called life."
This is his invitation to us.
Why can't we simply accept it?

I Am the True Vine.
God cuts off every branch in me
That bears no fruit.
This isn't easy.
It hurts, it does.
But when the old is gone,
The new can come.
Are you bearing fruit in your life?

What is this fruit?
Is it converting people? No.
Is it having a moralistic understanding of life? No.
Bearing fruit is simply accepting the invitation
Of the divine life that Jesus is living.

Jesus was interested in people
That were willing to follow him
At any cost.

Jesus, I don't know if I'm strong enough.
I'm scared.
But fear will be what drives me.
It has to be.
Otherwise, I'm going to
Completely fall apart.

Do you know Jesus enough
that you want to know him more?

Surrender.
>>Intimacy.
>>>The thing that you're looking for.
>>>>The one that keeps you awake at night.
>>>Belonging.
>>To be loved.
It's in him.

You don't have to be alone anymore.

Words from God, Spoken through Freddy :)

I feel like a hero, and you are my heroine, did you know your love is the sweetest sin?

I'm unaware of my mood right now.
I'm trying to figure out if there's anyone left in this world
that I actually like.
The only person I ever want to talk to lately is Kyle.
I hate it, it's like teasing myself.
We're doing fantastic at being friends.
We are taking time to chill before we date again.
I'm at peace about it.
The only thing that is bothering me
is December Sixth.
It's the day that his dad died,
And he wants me to go visit with him.
I will, and that's not the problem,
But I'm wondering if my Dad will understand,
And let me.
Hopefully he'll listen.
This is really important to me, and to him.
He doesn't want to go by himself,
His sister can't handle it,
And his best friend won't go.
Oh well, I suppose I'll worry about it when I get there.
<3 <3 <3 <3
Sooo, Tennis tournament this week,
That should be fun.
Chase's ex will be there,
along with another girl that hates me.
I'm going to get out there,
ignore everyone,
and kick ass. Woo.
<3 <3 <3 <3
I got my coach uggs today. Nuff said' :D
<3 <3 <3 <3
My favorite color is officially pink,
Feel free to hate me.
I know Kyle will when he finds out. Ha.
<3 <3 <3 <3
I don't know why I'm making all these heartssssss.
<3 <3 <3 <3
I don't have anything deep or meaningful to say,
So I guess I'll go now.
I wish I knew everyone that read this.
Feel free to comment?
I just find it weird that I have no idea.
Hmm.
Oh, and HI STEPH! :D I love you, Girl.
<3 <3 <3 <3

& I think I'll just go anti-love.

Really, who needs it?

I mean butterflies in the tummy

and hearts skipping beats

can't be safe.

I feel like I'm losing myself. But maybe I never knew who I was to begin with.

Why did I believe you ; when you said you'd never hurt me .

I'm forcing myself to smile.
All I want to do is cry.
I was planning on letting it all out.
Blogging for an hour.
Getting it off my chest.
But really, I don't feel like writing.
I don't feel like talking.
I don't feel like being around people.
Is it possiblet that I, Sophia, am feeling antisocial?
Maybe not.
I'm going to make myself write.
I'll figure out what I'm feeling.
I just have to start.
What do I start with.
The fact that I'm hurt?
The fact that I'm stupid?
The fact that being stupid got me hurt?
Ha ha the irony of life.
It's so complicated.
Or at least I make it that way.
I've delt with so much.
I have scars to prove it.
They all have a name.
But I believe with all my heart
That I forced myself to deal with these things.
I didn't have to.
I don't need this heartache.
I don't need this drama.
For once, I just want to blend into the background.
I want to be a wallflower.
I honestly in all my life have never been.
I'm Sophia, I'm always the center of attention.
And it's usually not positive.
I want to be the same as everyone else.
Why did God make me so different?
It's what makes it hard for me to make friends.
My Mom says it's because I have high standards.
Every time she tells me this,
In my head, I roll my eyes.
"No, Mom. You're the one with the high standards
for my friends. Not me."
She's the one that stops me from being a friend
to all of these less than decent people.
I wish..
I don't know what I wish, actually.
I'm glad that genies aren't real.
I wouldn't be able to deal with the pressure.
I couldn't decide what I want,
Or what I need.
I know what I need.
I need to ''lay off boys'' as Mom puts it.
What do I want?
A boyfriend.
Someone to love on.
Why do I feel the need for someone?
I want someone that I can treat special.
Someone to stick up for me.
Someone to see the good in me.
Yes, I just want someone around,
So that I feel good.
Is that so wrong?
It's a two way thing.
I want love.
I hate that I crave it.
It's the human body's natural yearning.
And with those hormones of mine, wooo.
I don't need a boy.
I don't need a boy.
I don't need a boy.
I don't need a boy.
I need a friend.
I need someone that my parents like.
I need to feel accepted.
I need to stop dealing with rejection by running away.
I'm hiding, and it's exhausting me.
I'm running from my problems.
But what are they, exactly?
I'm afraid to be alone.
Connor told me that.
That I can't go without a guy.
And he's right.
Who would've thought.
Guess what, Conface, you're right.
Congratulations.
Everything you said.
I was a waste, and a mistake.
You're right!
Are you happy?
I am two faced, and I'm a liar.
You were right!
I'm an awful person,
and yes,
I'm scared to be alone.
I'm scared that there isn't someone
That can protect me from myself.
Keep me together in one piece.
Keep me sane.
Someone to make me feel safe.
Someone I can come to with anything.
I yearn for this so much.
I want a wholesome relationship.
My heart aches to be loved,
The right way.
I want God involved in the relationship.
I can't do it though.
I can't have a boy in my life.
I can't have guy friends,
They always turn into more.
Take Adam for example.
He was becoming one of my best friends.
He kissed me.
I couldn't figure out whether it was a one time thing or not.
Then it happened again.
"Ok, he likes me.." I thought.
Boy was I wrong.
He "doesn't want a relationship."
Which is fine.
But why would you...?
Oh well.
Another boy, here and gone.
Before I start complaining,
I'm going to go.
1. Dig a hole.
2. Crawl in.
3. Die.

...

ohhh, rejection is so fun.
i wish it would happen to me more often.

Jesus, there's hope for me in this sad little world, right?

Please show me what I'm doing here.

Cause I sure don't have a clue.

I love finding old notebooks.

these promises run through my head

these broken words that you have said

why couldn't you have just been true

why did i have to believe in you

you broke my heart and broke it good

no one around me understood

why i kept running back to you

after all the things you put me through

everywhere i go, i see your face

every smell, every feeling, every taste

why can't i get you out of my head

the times we spent and the things we said

how many times have i said i've moved on

how many times have i tried to stay strong

i just need to get you out of my life

the pressure overflows and i turn to my knife

why should i bleed for you anymore?

it's clear to me now you were just looking to score

did you get bored, little boy?

did you finally realize i wasn't your toy?

is that the reason you pushed me away?

is that the reason you refused to stay?

because i simply would not play your game?

i'm sorry, but whore is not my name

Pregoooooooooo

for the record,
i'm not bearing chase shtrogin's child.
not now.
not ever.
i have never touched the kid.
not now.
not ever.
don't you just love rumors?
i sure do..
i don't have sex.
aside from the religious aspect,
i don't do it for this reason.
i'm called a whore so often,
that i can come back with
"Hey, i'm a virgin."
It's all I've got.
And half the people don't believe me.
If virginity was something i could wear on my shirt
I would be able to prove myself.
but people can't just drop my pants in the hallway
and inspect me like a doctor.
sorry guys,
you're just going to have to take my word for it.
i hate this.
oh well.
high school drama.
it will pass.
it doens't help that chase yells
momma at me in the hallway,
and has loud conversations about
what to name the baby.
people take things like that
wayyyyy too seriously.

Pull me towards you, and we start to dance ;;

I've been spending all my time just thinking about you,
I don't know what to do,
I think I'm falling for you.
I've been waiting all my life and now i've found you,
I don't know what to do.
I think I'm falling for you.

I think I'm falling for you.

Adam :)

One day, It will have been worth it, Just to know I'm yours.

I saw this boy today,

Not one I've talked about lately.

Because he is a ghost of my past.

The perfect guy.

I'm not being naive,

He really is.

He's twenty-two.

He's never kissed a girl.

Never held a girl's hand.

Never called her sexy.

He sees that eventually,

Every girl has a husband.

And if he isn't her husband,

She isn't his to touch.

Until he knows that she is his,

And his alone,

He won't touch her,

He won't disrespect her.

How amazing is this.

He plays guitar.

He plays drums.

He sings.

He writes music,

and poetry.

They make me cry,

Everytime.

Without fail.

He is so in love with Jesus.

He worships openly,

And isn't ashamed.

Every decision is made with

prayer, and consultation from his family.

He would be the perfect husband,

The perfect Father.

Even sooner, he would be the

perfect boyfriend.

I know from experience,

He's the perfect best friend.

He was my best friend.

The problem was that we

Fell in love

And that sad part?

I've told other guys I loved them.

It wasn't really love.

This guy is the only

Guy that I actually loved.

Loved, respected.

I'm not sure I was in love,

But maybe I was?

I'm not sure.

I think I was.

Out of all the guys that deserved my love,

He's the one that I never said "I love you" to.

What a waste,

How sad.

I saw him today.

It makes my day.

Just seeing him.

And when he smiles,

Well that's a whole different story.

I just wanted to hug him,

And never let go.

I miss him so much.

He was my best friend,

And then he disappeared.

Not by choice.

I want him back.

My favorite times

Were when I got on my piano,

And he'd pick up my beautiful acoustic,

And we would just play.

We would sing.

We wrote music,

I may have fell in love

Over a song.

Not in love like you would think.

But I did, I loved him.

I still love him.

I want him in my life again.

I wish he was allowed.

And not by my parents,

But his.

I just wanted to hold him,

And tell him sorry for everything.

For complicating things for him.

With his family.

With everyone.

With me.

I just wanted to be with him,

And feel his heart beat,

And see him smile.

Is that so wrong?

I really wish I knew.

i hate my life.

Whoever you are, I can't wait to love you ;;

I love him.

I like someone else.

I don't love him.

I don't even think I like him yet.

I don't want to hurt him.

I don't want to miss out on the new for a could've been.

my parents don't like him.

my parents love him.

he's such a good guy.

but so is he.

he makes me happy.

who am i kidding, they both do.

I promised him I wouldn't hold back

But I still would hurt him

shoot me.

no, don't.

i'm confused.

but i'm loving my life.

i have a best friend.

she'll help me sort this all out.

and i think i know exactly what she'll say.

Fading

Do you ever feel like that?
Like you're only half here?
Like you're here in body,
But the feelings aren't there.
You're somewhere else,
Your mind is in a completely different
Realm of the universe.
I'm just going through the motions,
Every single day.
What is it going to take
Until I feel alive again?

I just want to feel alive.

Those stupid homecoming pictures I promised.

Did I mention that these two incredibly happy looking kids are never talking again?

I may fail at life, but I'm awesome at disappearing.

Week Six :)

I should've done this yesterday
When my hair was down,
But we all know what a big fail I am at this,
So what you see is what you get.
Hair up.
Look like crap.
At least my hair can go up now?
That, I can say I am happy about.
I am content this week.
I have a stomach ulcer,
But I'm okay.
I'm happy, besides that.
I wish i could go to Lindenwood's homecoming
with Kyle, but they would laugh in my face if I
even asked, so I'm saving my breath.
Sam is spending the night tonight.
I hope she's not too good to be true,
She's awesome so far.
I just need a friend.
Is that too much to ask?

Baby, Your smile puts the stars to shame ;;

Love is such a silly thing.
It makes you say silly things,
and do silly things.
It makes you giggle,
and act like a six year old again.
It makes things innocent.
It makes things simple.
It makes things finally make sense.
I can wait, Baby, I've got time.
In fact, I've got forever.
Nothing to do,
No plans have been made..
I can wait.
Everything has finally settled down,
Into a comfortable level.
Everyone is just..waiting.
Waiting for all of our lives to fall into place,
So that Me and you, Our lives, can fall together.
Waiting for my family to settle down,
Waiting for me to make more girl friends,
Waiting for you to get settled into school.
The weather is changing,
The moods are changing,
Christmas is coming.
What better time is there than that?
Yes, I get excited this early.
Everyone loves christmas.
I love the mood that hangs in the air.
I can't wait.


Who knows, maybe if I'm really good,
Santa will bring you as my christmas present.

Peace.

my mom just called siler her "bonus feature",

apparently she thought she was done having kids,

then got her bonus?

That party last night was awful crazy, I wish we taped it.

Seriously.
I wish I had homecoming on tape,
and could watch it continuously.
It was so much fun.
There were a couple down points,
where I was ready to have Sam drive me home,
because my stomach hurt so bad,
But by the time the music started,
and the people started moving,
I wouldn't leave for anything.
Andrew made an appearance for a whole ten seconds.
I wish he would've stayed longer, but oh well.
I never got that dance.
Again, oh well.
Me and Kyle danced the night away,
with Sam and Paul right by our sides.
They played all the songs we told them not to,
But we didn't let that ruin our night.
It was funny.
I don't have pictures yet,
I need Sam's camera.
Katie was homecoming queen,
and a gorgeous one at that.
Enough about homecoming,
at least until I get my hands on pictures.

Heather Hale,
You are not a failure.
& leaving had nothing to do with you.
Not talking anymore has nothing to do with you.
We're not falling apart.
We just go to different churches,
different schools,
and i've been grounded the past two weeks.
I'm ungrounded now,
we'll hang out,
I promise.
You're my best friend,
and a little distance isn't going to change that.

I think I have a stomach ulcer.
I have all the symptoms,
I'm getting the tests done tomorrow,
my doctor isn't in today.
An ulcer at sixteen,
How pathetic am I?
They're from stress..
Hmm.

Well, I really dont have anything else to talk about,
so, bye.

p.s- no heather, i didn't get my GPS back.

L-o-v-e is just another word I never learned to pronounce.

I've been thinking lately.
If you haven't noticed about me yet,
I don't like thinking.
It leads to decision making,
Which I disklike even more.
There are so many decisions to be made.
I loathe decisions.
They alter the course of your life,
One at a time.

Homecoming is in three days.
Heather Hale is coming with me.
I miss her so much.
I haven't hung out with her in over a month.
Her birthday party, I guess,
But that was just dinner at Olive Garden
with all her friends, her parents, and her boyfriend.
No one on one time.
No conversations
that actually have a purpose.
She has a way of bring clarity to my life.
While I walk away from most people
more confused than before we talked,
I walk away from Heather feeling refreshed.
Like things make sense.
But what is a best friend for?
I love you, Girl.

Love.
What a silly, silly thing.
I don't think I am capable of love.
How many people have I said that to?
Kevin?
I loved him, right?
Connor?
I knew I loved him.
Why else would I fight so hard?
Now? I think it might have been
merely an infatuation.
Borderline obsession, I suppose.
Why did I have to say I love you?
Because he said it?
Kyle?
I loved him, right?
He was "different."
He was "special."
Rhett?
Of course I tell him I love him.
He's my best friend.
He knows me better than anyone else in the world.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this.
I just tend to tell people I love them so quickly
That I never stopped to let love come to me.
I pursue it so much,
I never gave it time to reveal itself to me.
I don't know what love is.
Love to me is..
Sacrafice.
Being selfless.
Wanting the best for them.
Not wanting to talk to them constantly.
Not wanting to be with them constantly.
What is this?
Infatuation?
Lust?
I suppose it depends on the situation.
But in future relationships,
I've made a promise to myself
that I'll avoid the 'L word'.
It's dangerous.
It's an unspoken promise,
and I don't want to break any more.
I don't want to hurt anyone any more.
I've unintentionally hurt so many people.

Speaking of people,
School is horrible right now.
Here's the story.
A friend of mine, her name is Kailyn.
She and I were supposed to hang out.
This was a couple weeks ago.
That day she came up to me,
and said that she was grounded,
And that we couldn't hangout.
I was bummed, sure.
I really liked this girl,
And wanted to hang out.
But I was like "Okay, Whatever."
That day, when I got home from school,
I was on facebook, and was going to her page
to write on her wall that while I was sad
we couldn't hang out, we could take a raincheck.
Her status said "Kailyn is soo ecvited for tonight!"
I was heartbroken, and realized she ditched me.
I got over it, though.
The next day, I found out that she
had taken my boyfriend to a party.
I was beyond angry.
I was furious.
I wanted to literally hit her in the face.
I wanted her to feel the physical hurt.
The kind of pain that I was going through.
I felt betrayed by someone
who was supposed to be a friend.
Fast forward to this week.
Me and Kailyn are past all that now.
I've forgiven the situation, and we're friends.
Kailyn dated a guy named Chase.
They broke up, and she is still
head over heels
Obsession may be a better word.
Anyways, someone told her that
I slept with Chase to get back at her.
This person wants her to get over him,
So he can get with her.
Never gonna happen, Buddy,
She's a million miles out of your league.
Have I mentioned she is gorgeous?
Perfection in human form.
Why do you think I was so angry
at her and Kyle for going to that party?
Anyways.
So today I get dirty looks,
and called a "homewrecker" and "whore."
Do people ever straight up ask someone,
before listening to rumors?
I had talked to this guy
once in my life
When the whole nasty rumnor started.
It's so stressful.
I know it will blow over eventually,
But I know Kailyn is hurt,
And I hate that.

Tomorrow and Friday
I have to finish the gym for homecoming.
Pictures to come, for sure.
I love my dress,
my shoes, everthing.
It's all so perfect.

My hair is getting longer.
I like it.
Andrew told me it looks long.
I don't know why that made me smile so much,
but it did.
I just want my hair back.
For what it is though,
I'm content.

That's kind of my life in a nutshell right now.
At this very moment, I'm completely mellow.
I know things are awful sometimes,
and there's things to be said and done.
there are decisions to be made,
and bad things that are going to happen.
Heartbreak, confrontation, rumors.
It's life though,
And I'm going to put on my big girl pants,
and deal.
Someone once told me,
"Being happy is more fun than being sad."
Imagine that, he was right.

homecoming saturday

the perfect date
(Dillon doesn't want to go with me anymore, lol)
the perfect dress.
the perfect shoes,
jewelry.
everything.

i don't think i could be more excited :)

things are lurking in the back of my mind,
but i'm trying to push them away.

this is what i wanted, right?
this is supposed to be one of the best weeks in the year,
and i'm not going to let anything
stand in my way.

i'm hurt
i'm empty
i'm numb.
i don't know what to do.
there really isn't anything to do.
just...live.
i got a homecoming date? ..yay.
heather isn't going with me anymore..
time to just chill, i guess.
i love being blamed for things i didn't do.
i need to stop listening to this message.
i broke a promise today.
but you don't care anymore anyways,
so i guess it doesn't matter.
i wonder what it was
that finally made you snap.
i'm glad you did,
you can go be happy now
i guess you finally realized that you deserve better.

these words will chant me to sleep.“Hey it’s me uhm, I just decided to take up, take you up on your offer to uhhh move on because I’ve heard so much shit from so many different people lately and I’ve been trying to convince myself it wasn’t true but I know it is. So uh yeah I just don’t really wanna talk to you ever again. Alright, bye.”

nick dolan finally got me to delete it,
and stop hitting the four button,
making you say those words
one more time

i guess it's an answered prayer?
i guess..

Rose's questions, my answers.

Are you content with your life right now?
At points I am, like when I really stop to think about it. Other times, I'm a brat. I throw fits that things aren't just the way I want them. In short, I should be, but sometimes, well, I'm not.


What do you want right now?
Mint chocolate chip ice cream with leftover juice from maraschino cherries poured on top.

What do you like most about yourself?
I have an awesome personality when I want to, I'm funny.

What have you learned about yourself as of now?
I'm secretly way more optimistic than I give myself credit for.

Who is the angel in your life?
Alyssa Roberson, you beautiful girl.

Who is the most handsome guy you know?
Hmm, A boy at my church. I'm not sure of his name, but I know he makes me stare. I find myself distracted sometimes. Not only is he incredibly handsome, but watching him worship openly is so beautiful to me. I don't see that alot in guys.

What are you looking forward to?
Homecoming.

Who makes you laugh?
Andrew.

Do you believe in letting go?
Yes, yes, yes.

Ever been used?
On more occasions than I can count.

If you had a horse, what would you name him or her?
Pooter. I guess it's a good thing I don't have one, huh..

Is anyone mad at you right now?
Yes, and I didn't do anything. Ashley and Sean want to practically end my life.

Do you believe in finding true love at a young age?
No.

Do you want to write a book someday?
I want my blog to become a book, so yes.

Do you wish you looked like someone else or are you satisfied with yourself?
I'm good. I wouldn't be upset if I were taller though..

Pink or red?
Pink.

First bestfriend's name?
Kayla Angelbeck.

The HOTTEST male name ever?
Pierce.

Blue or green eyes?
Bothh?

Favorite perfume or colonge?
Juicy Couture. Jake from Hollister.

Your last text message says
Nothing.

Tyra Banks or OrpahWinfrey?
Tyra Banks.

Anyone's voice you want to hear really really badly right now?
Someone who doesn't want to talk to me.

What's happening tomorrow?
STUCO workday with my friends :)

Who do you facebook stalk? BE HONEST.
Connor (my ex)
Ryan (my ex best friend)
Kyle ( my..something.)
Heather Hale (my best friend)
Adam (My other best friend)

Baseball or soccer?
Soccer

How superficial are you? WITH YOURSELF.
Depends.

Got any online friends whom you've never met, but are your bestfriends?
Twum Plum :D

Do you eat apples?
Not really.

Does your mom still pack your lunch?
Holy Moly, I wish.

What should you be doing right now?
Cleaning the house, or something like that.

Songs you fall asleep to the most?
Lullaby, Daisy, Ho Ho Hopefully, Ect. It's a mix cd.

Hold grudges?
Yes.

failfailfail

i walk into my mom's room
to find a book flipped open on her bed
something she'd been reading.
interested, i picked it up
to find it titled,
"When your child breaks your heart."
I'm a big fail.
obviously.
is it sad that something like this
hurts my feelings?

spiraling downward ;

falling father and farther

into a black pit

a neverending pit

if only i could stop

freeze in midair

and find a way to reverse

send myself back up

towards the surface

towards redemption

purity

forgiveness

why can't i seem to get out

i'm falling

deeper

deeper

deeper

the decisions i've been making ,
were supposed to put my life back together .
i'm still waiting for that to happen .

you've got the story all wrong!

reading what you said,
i dropped to my knees,
cluthcing my stomach.
oh how wrong you are, silly boy.
but think what you will.
you obviously don't listen to me.
i'm so angry at you,
it's scary.
don't worry about disappearing,
i don't even want you around anymore.
i can't believe you.
not at all.
consider me gone.
don't try and call,
you're the last person i want to talk to.
i guess like you said,
it's done.
goodbye.
i hope next time,
you actually GET IT
when you says, "I understand."

Sophia; Lonely Edition.

Weekly picture, wOOt.

Have you ever seen a more fake smile?

I have too much makeup on.

I look dumb.

But that's me this week.

Fake, and dumb.

Until next week..

Or maybe I'll just stop

With these stupid things.

i don't know if i've ever been good enough, i'm a little bit rusty.

sunday morning.
time for church.
maybe i'll magically turn into
the person i'm supposed to be.
i'm crossing my fingers.

i'm still a little lost,
though feel like i've been found.
confusion doesn't cover it,
so why do i feel like everything
finally makes sense?
where am i?
what do i do now?

twentyfour hours.

It's amazing really,
How quickly things can change.
How words can lose their meaning,
And promises can unravel.
I'm sorry I pulled the string.
There's only so many ways for me to say I'm sorry.
And I know they're only words to you,
But that's okay with me.
This is okay with me.
When you asked if I was okay with this,
I didn't know how to explain that,
Yes, I am.
I'm okay being friends.
Or at least I thought we were going to be.
I suppose you had different plans in mind.
I'm not going to lie,
I wonder.
I wonder what you're doing right now.
I wonder what you think of me.
I wonder how long it's going to take,
Before we start to talk again,
Or will that ever happen at all?
If it doesn't,
I understand.
I betrayed you,
I get that.
When you told me that,
I understood.
I know you feel that way,
But there's nothing I can do about that.
You deserve someone though,
Who can give you everything you want,
And everything you need.
And that's not me.
I'm not old enough.
I'm not mature enough.
I don't have enough sense.
I can't take care of myself,
How can I take care of you?
I don't love myself,
How can I love you?
I don't know myself,
How can I know you?
We'll both move on in our lives.
The one thing that's haunting me, though,
And I'm sure will continue to.
"Do you feel safe?"
You knew the answer before you asked the question.
Seeing those words on my screen makes me nasueas.
Thinking about you saying them,
About where we were,
And the conversation we were having.
It was only last night,
Why does it seem a million years away?
We've both got some growing up to do,
And we can't do that together.
I'm sorry.
I never should have let you fall in love with someone
Who can't love you back equally.
Who can't love you with the kind of passion you have,
The kind of committment you have,
The kind of love, in general.
I'm sorry, I tried.
I really did.
I really hope things go okay for you.
I'll try not to check up,
I almost promise.
Time to live your life, Kyle.
You're starting college,
A new phase of your life.
Find a girl worthy of your love,
Your time,
Your absolute adoration <3
Someone deserves it.
You make someone feel like they're
The only person in the world.
I'm sorry I couldn't fill that hole.
Someone will.
That someone,
Unfortunately,
Turned out to not be me.

i ended it.
it's over.
part of me is relieved.
i don't need a boyfriend.
i'm trying to prove that to myself.
the other part is screaming
"really? you finally can,
and you choose not to?"
that's the irony of my life.
another gold star for sophia.

and you've never seen this side of me ;

i'm starting to hate myself again ,
and it's not good .
i hate my body .
i hate my attitude .
i hate the way i flaunt my body .
i hate the way i fake my attitude .
i put myself out there .
then i complain for the reaction i get .
i'm shy when i shouldn't be .
i'm outgoing to the people
that i shouldn't be around .
i say things i shouldn't say ,
when all the things i know i should ,
get stuck in the back of my throat .
everything he says ,
i want to come back with biting words ,
why do i want to hurt him ?
why be mean ?
i'm just so used to my wall ,
my shell ,
my bubble .
be mean ,
keep from being vulnerable .
i'm slipping a bit .
i'm feeling like i want to resort
back to old habits .
hurting myself is not the answer ,
and i refuse to let myself
go back to that .
well .
i'm not sure what's going on .
but i'm pretty sure i don't like it .

and i'm a little bit angry ;

and why shouldn't i be?
it's been, by far,
one of the worst days ever.
the worst this week?
without a doubt.
worst this month?
sure.
worst this year?
doubtful, but with
enough exageration,
we could make it work.
First, I wake up late.
I was supposed to be at school early
to take a science test.
I didn't wear makeup
and since the conversation last night,
i wore sweats.
a t shirt.
sneakers.
nothing special.
nothing for people
to give me a second look.
i am halfway to school
and alex calls and says;
she missed the bus.
for security reasons,
i can't tell you why
this added to my
horrid day, but it did.
then i'm late to first hour,
giving me a detention.
one that will be doubled
because i'm not going
to be able to serve it
by Friday, I have
tennis everyday.
By the time I sign
the friggin tardy book,
and sit down,
I realize there's
a paper sitting on
my desk. I pick
it up to throw it
on the floor,
but stop when I
realize it says;
"Sophia Niccum"
on the top in red.
And I start reading
to find out that I
have to do a mandatory
study hall after school
once a week for the rest
of tyhe quarter if I
want to continue
playing tennis.
And do I?
No.
Do I have to?
Yes.
So I'm wasting my
time to stay in a sport
where everything I do
is a waste of time.
I understand I'm not
important to many people,
but my time is important
to me. Kapeesh?
I go to photojournalism
to find out that I forgot
to do an assignment that
is worth fifty points. oops.
HOLY FRIGGING MOLY.
THEN I GO TO TENNIS.
I'm carrying a tennis bag,
my purse with 2 huge
textbooks in it.
a pair of shoes,
shorts,
a tshirt.
they won't fit in my bag.
a libraty book.
a big one at that.
a binder.
then i go out to play,
and i'm playing singles.
UHHSQUEEZE ME?
I PLAY DOUBLES, HONEY.
BIG LINES.
TWO PEOPLE.
COMPRENDE?
And guess who I play?
Number three.
Singles.
Varsity.
I lose 6-1.
Now I have a ton
of homework,
I'm babysitting,
I'm sick of all the music
in my room.
I'm tired.
I need a shower.
I need decent food.
I don't need to eat.
I don't need to feel
so. friggin. fat.
I know I'm not.
I mean, I know that..
But still.
Whatever.
Awesome day!
And tomorrow,
I have to dress up for DECA.
I get to hang out with Adam all day,
but I hate dressing up.
Blah blah blah.
Pity party's over.

Anyone feel like helping me clean up?

Week 2..or 3? Possibly 4.

I know, I know.
The point of this is to
Update every week.
I possibly skipped numbers
Two and three.
The only problem with
Doing this today,
Is that I have my extensions in.
And one of the main reasons
For doing it in the first place,
Was to watch my hair grow.
Whoa, it grew a foot overnight!
Today, I'm sporting a blue v-neck,
Denim Caprees, a blue hippie band,
And yellow high top converse.
A Fashionista, if I may say so myself.
Note the sarasm.

I want to write a song.
I find my notebooks,
Filled.
One paragraph,
Two?
One chorus,
A couple verses.
Why can't it all come together?
I want a song, so badly.
A song that people hear,
and just stop.
I want people to be in awe.
Absolute awe.
My songs are all half done.
The words are there.
They're half hearted.
I need inspiration.
I need this book
To magically come together
Into a heart touching song.
Something inspring.
Something beautiful.
I just want something beautiful.

dear past, get the hell away from me, please.

why are you haunting me?
why are you constantly taunting me?
i wish you would just leave me alone..

I am in flashback mode right now,
and can't seem to get out of it.
everything is kind of revolving around me.
it's like i'm just standing in the middle of my life
while everything is happening,
and i'm just watching.
watching..everything.
i'm feeling nothing.
it's kind of scary.
where have my emotions gone?
oh well.
time to get off.
stuff to do,
a life to live.
on the bright side,
i have a date to homecoming?
kyle, we're going to have a blast.

You're with Jesus now, Baby.

Elise's memorial is tonight.

Wish us luck.

Now you see her,

Now you don't.

She's gone, forever.
Why doesn't this make sense to me?
Why do I still feel like she's at school today,
Flirting with that boy she likes, and giggling with her friends.
Why do I still feel like she's making plans right now
for football games tonight, and homecoming next month.
I wonder if she had a date.
She was sixteen years old.
How, God, is this fair?
Why would you take someone so young?
She had a whole life to live!
Years, and years, and years.
Prom. Moving out. Building a career. Getting married. Having kids.
Why doesn't she get this privelidge?
Why do I?
Why do I deserve the chance?
I know I don't.
God, I don't understand,
I'm at a loss for words.
Words that are encouraging at least.
I'm angry.
I'm hurt.
I'm overlooking the fact that you
provided a miracle last night.
Why can't I focus on that?
Courtney was driving the car.
She started sliding, and overcorrected,
sliding the car, and her friend
into a brick subdivision sign.
Elise died at the scene.
Courtney was airlifted,
and it was announced that she had
a broken neck, and a c1 injury.
When she made it to the hospital,
They concluded brain damage, and a collaposed lung.
They went into x-ray.
It was all gone.
The lung, fine.
The neck, intact.
Spine, perfect.
She's back to perfect Courtney.
How did you do that, God?
They told her last night that Elise didn't make it.
I didn't talk to anyone after it happened.
I'm not sure if she's okay.
I can only imagine,
being told that I killed my best friend,
while I walked away as a miracle.
An absolute miracle.

meet adam.

this is why i love him, hah .

Wish me luck. Or don't.

Yesterday, as I was hitting post on my last blog, complaining about how I had nothing to do, my phone rang. My friend Adam had stolen his friends truck and needed somewhere to chill for a while. He came over, bringing his little brother with him. He was shy at first, but I've got to tell you he ended up being the funniest kid, seriously. The guy that owns the truck called while we were sitting in my house, and asked where he was. When he found out, he got upset because he asks to hang out all the time, and I'm always busy. So Adam drove the truck back up to his work, picked him up, and brought him back to my house to hang out during his break. We all sat in my kitchen and talked to my Mom. It's amazing how much all my friends are all in love with her. Amazing, ridiculous, same diff. They left to take John back to work, and Me and Mom sat and watched part of the Wizards of Waverly place movie. Selena Gomez was casting a spell on her Mom that made her agree to anything for six hours. Me and Mom gave each other simultanious looks, and I immediately said, "Hey, I wish!" She laughed and said, "What would you ask for?" I told her I would ask for Kyle, it was that simple. "Really?" Yeah, Mom, I would honestly just ask for him to come over. Oh, and I would tell Dad that he liked him, since I can convince them of anything. Dad came downstairs a little while later. He was standing in the kitchen, and all I could think of was ask him. Just ask. The worst he can do is say no. Ask. And I did. And he stood for a moment, and then said, "He can come over." I can't remember a time lately that I've been happier. I called Kyle, and asked if he could come over, and he kind of laughed. He thought I was kidding. Come on, Kyle, I wouldn 't be mean enough to joke like THAT. He said he would be over in a little bit, he had to go down to the police station, and bail out a girl from work. Something about parking tickets. He called back about ten minutes later, and I thought he was going to have to ditch me. Instead, he said softly, "Hey, come outside." I don't think I've ever run faster. I left the door wide open, and almost ran into my porch. I finally got to see my boy. We sat with my Mom and caught up on life, and watched tv, and took pictures. We hung on the computer, and played with my siblings. It was simple, it was relaxed. It was perfect. He loves my family, and my family loves him. Well, most of them. I think my Dad's coming around. I came downstairs this morning, and he said, "Hey, Good morning!" Things are starting to come together, and I can't say I mind. Well, I'm off for a day with the family. Wish me luck. Except, well, I don't think I'll need it.

Benjamin Clayton Hurteau is my BFF <3

It's a Saturday night.

I don't have plans for tonight anymore,

which sucks.

I was going to go to Devin's party,

but he decided he had too many people coming, soo..

Everyone's busy.

Ben's at work,

which is poopy.

Maddie doesn't get home until

like 10:30.

Heather said maybe after Collin's gone,

but I have a feeling she'll foget to call.

We'll see.

There's one person I know would come over,

but that's not possible at this moment.

I hate not having plans.

I guess I can spend the night getting caught up on things,

like uploading all my pictures,

Or finishing writing this song I've been writing on.

I'll find something to do.

If I don't,

I might just go insane.

Monster for a Moment.

It's scary, isn't it, being part of my life?

Knowing that the little monster crawls out and
attacks anyone in the way.
The calm, more sane part of me comes back though,

at least for a moment.

It's uncertainty that sets in though.

It's so relieving to everyone,

but there's always that thought

knocking at the back of your mind.

"How long is this going to last?"

"When is the monster coming back again?"

"How long can she keep this up

before she has another mental breakdown?"

The people around me aren't the only onew with these questions.

My mind is wrapped around these words constantly,

Wondering how long until I hurt someone else.

Wondering how long until I'm considering centerpoint again,

How long can I keep up this smiling?

I'm going to learn to contain it,

I'm going to learn stability.

I'm going to learn to slow down,

And to breathe.

To be patient.

And smile.

How long can I keep this up though?

The one thing I'm lacking, friends.

It's all I need, I know it.

I have a party today, though.

Meeting new people is a good thing, right?

As long as I meet them as Sophia.

The Sophia that isn't offensive to people,

That can laugh and smile,

And have a good time.

I can't show them the other side of me.

I shouldnt have another side of me.

Who knows, maybe I can change.

Maybe it's gone for good.

It's a new day,

Anything can happen.

i want these so freaking much, i need a job. a birthday, christmas..

http://www.tomsshoes.com/ProductDetails.aspx?CategoryID=7&productID=364#pageTop

The screams are ringing inside my head.

Quite literally I might add.

As I attempt to publish a decent blog post to make up for my past pathetic-excuses-for-words, Siler is screaming his head off like I've done something so terrible that he just can't stand to give me a second of peace. I don't know what I've done to this poor child, but he hates me. I want to run my head into the wall repeatedly, but I don't think that will stop the crying. Maybe he'll start laughing? I don't think it's worth trying. In the time it took to switch over to my facebook and reply to a message, he has crawled his sticky little chocolate-covered fingers into my lap. I don't know whether to find this cute or repulsive. I'm leaning towards the latter, judging by the smell that is taking residence in my nose.

Tennis is taking over my life, but there's not really much to explain. Every day I go after school either to practice or a game. Come home, eat, shower, homework, bed. It's a fantastically exciting life, you should be jealous, squared.

Photography is becoming such a passion, if only I had the funds necessary. A nice camera would be the FARTHEST thing from top priority to my parents, so for now I'll make do with what I can borrow from class, and my poor, abused, little black digital camera.

I have a 98% in my math class. Nuff said'.

I'll stop rambling since I'm obviously just avoiding what's really on my mind.
Have a lovely night.
Th-th-th-that's all folks.

someone cares.

You shut your door,
Don't let them hear,
In front of them you show no fear,
You close your eyes,
Wish you were dead,
As all the things that they have said,
Are being beat into your head,
Each morning you wake,
You wear a mask,
Pray and hope no one will ask,
Why you do such silly things,
If only they knew how rejection stings,
You don't think you quite fit in,
Now you seek acceptance from your sin,
Your digging a hole,
It's far too deep,
The emptiness is what you keep,
Locked inside,
No one can hear,
The hopeless sigh,
The silent tear,
All you want is a friend,
Someone there to hold your hand,
You seem to search in every wrong place,
Each new mistake,
Comes with a new face,
The road you take to obtain your perfection,
Seems to lead you in the wrong direction,
If only you knew how wonderful you are,
Now you think you have gone to far,
It's never to late to change your ways,
I can help you through the maze,
So take my hand,
Hold on tight,
Know you'll make it through the night,
For there is one place you will find power,
HE is with you every hour,
You will find when you search with in,
Nothing good comes from your sin,
Your life is not over,
It's just begun,
So never say,
"My life is done"
Trust in God with all your heart,
That is when your life will start.


my best friend wrote this for me.
don't you hate when something makes you cry?

it finally happened- the inevitable.

my world has finally tipped,
crashing down on top of me.
it's all over.

what do i do now?

Little Ole' Me.

Currently sporting a howell hoodie, white nike basketball shorts,

and black nike shoes. nothing special.

We change, alot.
Why not see how we change?
Once a week,
If I remember of course,
Me and my Mom will see just how much we change.
I want to watch my hair grow out,
and my style change.
I want to see my face,
and what I was feeling.
If you know me at all,
it's easy to know, just by looking at me.
And then of course,
just a little about what's going on this week.

I'm reading memoirs of a giesha. I got a new pink robe from Victoria Secret. I got pushed in a pool fully clothed. I'm ready to change churches, I'm trying a new one tonight. I have a project due tomorrow that I'm not doing. I want a Nikon camera more than anything in the world. My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, because I told people I wasn't answering it. I lost my best friend, we're not even acquantences. Apparently we haven't been friends for a while, which is bullshit, but if she says it, it must be true. I'm in too much of a pissed off mood to blog anymore, so here I am, tada. Maybe the next picture you see I'll be dead. Peace.

i'll always remember what you said;

The rain fell the other night,

like it was angry at this little world,

full of angry little people.

It got me thinking,

which we all know is a bad thing.

Maybe it's trying to wash us all away,

and put us out of our misery.

Take away our responsibility,

of having to make the right decisions.

Deciding not to take that hit,

not to get high tonight.

Decide not to take that drink,

and forget for another night, everything you're doing.

Decide not to take your pants off,

and give away what was meant for one person,

and one person only.

Decide not to say those words,

knowing it will hurt someone more than you care to know.

Decide not to hang with that kid,

you know the one.

The one that puts those thoughts in your head,

that are clouding your vision,

consuming the place where your morals usually reside.

These things are tearing us apart.

i forgot, being out of high school,

just how realistic it is.

The drugs,

the sex,

the money.

The addictions,

the fiends,

the desperate.

I want to help.

I want so badly to show them the way.

it's discouraging though,

that every word of wisdom through my mouth,

is shut down by people that decide that my past

is just that freaking awesome,

that we should bring it up.

Who are you to give me advice?

Who are you to tell me what to do?

Who are you to tell me the right thing to do?

I'm someone who cares.

I'm someone who wants you to know that

there is something bigger than all of this.

So much bigger than all of us.

Can't you see that?

If this is all there is..

We're doomed.

There has to be something more for us,

there has to be a greater purpose.

There has to be..something.

That rain was pretty smart,

thinking that if we all just go away,

the problems would wash down the sewage drains

with the rest of us.

Is this morbid?

Whatever it is, I'm not concerned.

Why hasn't it washed me away yet?

Why did the clouds dissolve away,

seperate back to their corners of the earth,

without taking me with them?

I think they're trying to tell me something.

I've got some decisions to make.

They're giving me a chance to make them.

I better start now,

who knows the next time it's going to pour.

three months down, nine to go.

& this is what makes me happy.

How many times do I have to crack, before I completely shatter?

i miss you, the old you.

i miss the way you used to be.
i miss you being here.
actually being here.
not standing here with your body,
and your mind being somewhere completely different.
i love you so much.
i care about you more than i do alot of people,
and i literally cry after we talk.
i can't stand to hear you like this.
i can't stand to see you like this.
don't touch me when you're like that.
don't call me when you're like this.
i don't want it.
i don't want any part of it.
i'm done.
i can't help you
until you want to help yourself.
my heart is breaking for you.
i love you.

All I want is love;

I'm doing it,
I'm changing,
I'm being a nice person.
I'm caring,
I'm not hiding my feelings,
I'm being Sophia again.
I'm not afraid of being hurt anymore,
If someone wants to hurt me,
It's ok.
It just means I have another person to love on.
I'm not afraid anymore.
You can't live until you're ready to die.
Just thought I'd stop in and say,
"Hi, I love you. Lots. That's all."

So you think you know me.

1. I once dressed up as a lightning bug at a children's day.

2. I hate C.S Lewis' books. And the movie, also.

3. I don't wear designated 'pajamas'.

4. I love dreadlocks.

5. I don't have anyone in my phonebook that doesn't have a ridiculous nickname.

6. I feel left out easily.

7. I don't like ketchup.

8. I'm not allergic to anything

9. I wear a peace sign necklace that my Thailand friend brought me, every day.

10. I've had the same best friend for four years, and we've never hung out.

11. I can read a novel in a day.

12. Eminem is my guilty pleasure music.

13. When children cry, it makes me want to shoot myself.

14. I have nightmares of Centerpointe multiple times a week, I've gotten used to them by now.

15. I talk in my sleep. We still don't know what exactly I'm saying.

16. For a while, I would cry and scream Daddy while i was sleeping. I would forget the dream the moment I woke up, we don't know what tormented me so much.

17. I've never been stung by a bee.

18. I'll literally walk anywhere. No matter the distance.

19. I obsessively use Q-tips.

20. I write random things in my Bible that no one will ever understand.

21. I love that person that makes me feel safe, like everything is okay.

22. I like chapstick, but always lose it.

23. I never buy gum. Never.

24. I've bought multiple pregnancy tests in my life for my mother, lots of dirty looks.

25. Pinatas irk me.

26. I've never had fake nails.

27. I want to name my girls with boy names, like Ryan, Logan, Carter..

28. I have a tendency to buy people fishes as gifts, kill them, and still give them.

29. My sister has never bought me a gift, and I swear every year I won't get her one, but I just can't help it.

30. The word love makes me nauseous.

I might finally be growing up.

the outlook is different.

the attitude is different.

the love is different.

i know what to do,

and i'm finally getting around to doing it.

i just want to enjoy my life.

i just want to make people happy.

i just want people to know jesus,

and how happy he makes me.

he makes me smile.

he makes me me.

I'm in love with him.

I'm happy.

I'm kinda liking it.

"Whine on your blog."

Whoever has done no wrong may cast the first stone.

The last day of summer.

I can't wait for tomorrow.

It's the first day of more freedom than I've known in months.

Scary, right?

Wrong.

I'm so tired of people not having faith in me.

People say I'm making all the wrong choices.

I'm really not.

I haven't done anything wrong lately.

You know, if you're looking for something wrong,

You'll find something.

That's just how it works.

Maybe if you'd stop judging and critiquing me for two seconds,

You'd all realize just what a different person I am.

"It's a new beginning, the past is gone."

No, it's not gone.

Not when everyone holds me to everything I've ever done.

It's not fair.

I have been told by these same people,

"Don't you dare bring up my past,"

"Don't you dare hold that against me."

It's an unforgiveable sin to mention any wrongdoing of theirs.

It's a big unfair if you ask me.

Go ahead, mimic me in that voice, and then tell me

Life's not fair.

You don't have to tell me,

That's for sure.

I'm the last person that needs to be told

that life's not fair.

I know.

I know better than alot of people.

I'm trying not to cry.

I haven't cried in such a long time,

Twice in one day could be a problem.

I'm just frustrated, as usual.

I can't change if no one gives me the chance to.

"I can' give you the chance, you blow it every time."

Thanks for the faith. It's really helping.

"You're no different,you're just as bad. Probably worse."

What do I have to do to catch a break around here?

To have two seconds of not having to justify

Everything I say and do.

I'm sick of living under a microscope.

I literally know no one else living like this.

I'm tired of it.

I just want to get away from it,

But I can't.

There's no escape.

Change as a person?

That's not an option,

No one would care.

It's just a cover up for being

an even worse person, right?

Because I'm such a terrible person.

Even when I was a quote, unquote bad kid,

I wasn't that bad.

I wasn't their mail order daughter, true.

I just would love for them to see an actual

rebelious kid.

An actual disrespecful kid.

Enough of that "whining on my blog."

I wasn't planning on it,

By any means.

But when you offer up the idea..

That's all I could think about when I

Sat down to write.

Pity party, call it what you want.

No more secrets.

No more holding in it.

No more abrasive exteriors.

No more insulting, negative days.

I was told that I'm mean.

Really mean.

It didn't really surprise me,

People tell me all the time.

But this was serious.

Someone who was insulted,

Offended, hurt.

Someone who knew why.

I'm mean because I'm afraid.

I'm afraid to be vulnerable.

I'm afraid to be open with people.

I'm afraid to be hurt again.

I've just been used too many times.

I've been hurt by too many people.

I need to let go of my past though.

I need to forget all the people that have hurt me.

I need to forget.. everything.

I need to open up,

No more secrets,

No more.

No more.

K-Fed, Urinals, and the Beaver Song.

Florida is..entertaining to say the least.
It's become clear to me that people never want
to hang out until you go out of town, hah .
It's been up and down.
One day, I love it,
and the next I'm dying to be home.
Not home necessarily, but anywhere but here.
I got sun poisoning.
It would happen to me.

The Urinal.
It's very hot in Florida if you couldn't have guessed it.
And if you know me, you know I wear jeans everyday.
Today, I got quite sick of it,
and had Mom buy me a skirt at Walmart just so
I had something to wear besides my jeans.
I walked in the bathroom,
chose a stall,
and stepped inside.
I dropped my jeans onto the floor,
pulled the tags off my new skirt,
and pulled it on.
i exited the stall to then find that
the tinking i was hearing in the background
all this time had been two grown men peeing in
the urinals connected to the wall.
urinals, you ask?
joint bathroom?
no..unfortunately, not.
your dear friend here
changed into a skirt
in
the
men's
bathroom.
feel free to applaud.

It's been a productive week.
I'm off now to stalk people on facebook.
As usual.
Peace, love, and chicken grease..

breathe me in.

i'm just tired.

i'm just confused.

i'm just wondering what i'm doing.

i'm wondering if i'm making mistakes.

i'm wondering what's happening in my life.

i'm thinking that i'm just a dumb girl.

i'm scared.

i'm exhausted.

i'm agravated.

i'm sophia.

typical, stupid sophia.

Orland09

Competition starts today.
Practices out the wazoo.
We compete @ 4.
I'm not nervous yet,
Or really at all.
I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.
Nervous is a good thing right?
Thrive on the butterflies?
I'm not sure.
I know I slept extremely well last night.
It would be great if I sleep like that all week.
Everyone is out shopping before practice.
Time to clean out the van of the hot mess we made with the sand,
and then..meet everyone?
Sightsee?
I don't know.
We're in Orlando,
I doubt we're going to run out of things to do.

& There was a pit stop ,,

We left yesterday.
It was a long drive,
and both me and mom thought we were going to pass out.
this morning we all freaked out getting ready for the wedding.
It was pretty.
I slept on the table the whole reception.
Then I came home and slept for five more hours.
I was really in a party mood today...
Quite a productive day, huh?

Raise your glasses, Ladies and gentleman,
Here's to another night of aimless stalking on facebook..

orlando, woot.

Leaving tonight.

Beaches.

Disney World.

The competition.

Fourteen thousand teenagers,

Gathered from around the world,

For this one event.

Are you ready?

No distractions.

A week in the sun,

With my best friends.

What could be better?

Lots of packing to do.

I'll be back next Sunday.

And plan on us having a first place trophy -

Oh yeahh.

the pressure's on;

I don't think you'll ever understand

Just how scared I am as I sit down to write this.

I've never felt so much pressure as I do now.

Pressure to have the right words.

Words to encourage you.

But not too much.

Just enough to comfort you before

I bring the words you need to hear.

Words to bring you out of the circle of insanity

That surrounds you when you're in love.

Just far enough out of it to show you just how

much it's tearing you apart.

Baby I can't stand to see you hurting like this.

I know you're scared.

I think you're on a ride.

You can't stand it,

throwing you round and round,

one wave of nausea after another.

Another fight,

Another round of words.

You hate it with every fiber in your being,

But you refuse to get off.

Why?

Is it really worth it,

For those few moments of enjoyment?

It's throwing you around in circles.

One rendezvous after another.

One mistake after another,

over and over again.

I wish you weren't afraid to let God love you,

and not have the boy, too.

You don't need him.

There's nothing wrong with being loved,

But you need someone who knows how to really love you.

He doesn't love you.

I know, you can hate me for saying it,

but i'm your best friend.

It's my job,

as much as I hate it,

to tell you what you need to hear,

not what you want to hear.

He doesn't love you.

He's going to use you.

Baby, please don't tell me he's changed.

Just look at the way he treats others.

He'll do to you what he does to them.

No, you're not different,

No, you're not special.

Maybe he makes you feel like that,

But in a while,

you'll be just another girl.

I just don't know how to tell you that

you deserve so much better.

So, so much better.

I know you probably don't care.

All I've probably done is pissed you off.

But that's okay.

I hope you are.

I hope you're angry.

I hope you're furious.

I hope you're angry enough to do something about it.

Anger is a good thing.

Whether you're angry at him, or me,

do something with it.

Don't bottle it up,

and let it eat away at you

like you tend to do time and time again.

If you're pissed,

I've done my job.

When I write things to you,

I feel like I'm writing to myself.

I feel like a hypocrite.

I can't take my own advice.

I know we're going to be okay.

I'm getting baptised with my best friend.

We've made the worst mistakes together,

and now we're going to make a good one.

A committment to live for God.

We're doing it together.

That is, if she's still speaking to me.

I love you, Baby.

I just want what's best for you.

Even if you don't care enough about yourself

to think you deserve better,

I do.

It's my job.

Wowww ,

Me: Mom, can we go to a nude beach while we're there?
Mom: What did those poor people ever do to us?

Way to boost my confidence Mom, kudos to you.

Hello Beautiful World. :)

What have you got for me today?

I'm trying so hard to just stop thinking.
Stop thinking so hard into the future.
I have to live in the moment.
I have to live for today,
For now.
I'm not guarenteed tomorrow anyways,
why worry about it?
I need to roll with the punches.
I decided I want that tattooed along the side of my foot.
Roll With The Punches.
And on my shoulder I want Live & Learn.
I have to wait until I turn eighteen, but that's okay.
I'm not worried about it.
I'm not really worried about anything right now.
It's consumed so much of my life.
It's eaten away at me,
leaving so little to actually enjoy life.
I'm done being anxious,
worrying about things I know I can't change.
Time to go enjoy my beautiful day.

Until next time.

starting fresh.

i opened my devotional for this morning
to find it titled "Starting Fresh."
Perfect for today.
Right under the title was this verse.

This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone: a new life has begun." 2 Corinthians 5:17

Everything is going to be okay :)

just another year ;

One year.

An entire year.

Can you believe it?

You've all followed my life this past year.

It was all about Connor.

Every high, every low, because of him.

This year has been the biggest challenge of my entire life.

Having and losing my first love.

Depression to the point of being admitted to a physche ward.

Sneaking out for the first time, and getting caught.

Losing my best friend.

Getting her back, stronger than ever.

Going through everything with my friends.

The bulemia.

The cutting.

The pregnancy.

Growing farther and farther from my family,

farther and farther from God.

Tomorrow is the twentyseventh.

It's been a year since I decided to screw the rules,

screw my parents,

and do what I want.

It's the day I met Connor,

and decided that what I wanted was more important.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

Look how this year has turned out.

After tomorrow, everything will change.

I've decided I'll wake up Tuesday,

and have a whole new life.

This year will be over.

We'll forget everything that's happened,

and focus on now.

Tomorrow is no celebration.

It's a day of repentance.

A day of letting go,

for good.

Getting rid of his stuff,

nostalgia included.

I'm moving on with my life.

I'm moving on without him.

I know he's not affected

But it still hurts me.

Not that I don't have him,

but that I made the mistake for so long.

I gave him so much of my heart.

I gave him things that I can't ever take back.

I gave him my love,

I gave him my life.

I gave up so much.

A relationship with my parents.

Their trust.

I thought it was worth it at the time.

It's time for me to forget about all the mistakes that were made.

It's time for me tpo stop letting my past ruin my future.

I'm a junior in high school.

I'm going to focus on school.

I'm going to go to prom.

I'm going to smile.

I'm going to be a more positive person.

I'm going to be a good friend.

I'm going to be an example,

a role model,

an influence.

I'm going to let go of all this bitter anger.

This negative attitude that I've held on to

ever since I lost him.

Feeling I was screwed,

and life was over.

I'm moving on.

I'm smiling.

I'm gonna live my life.

For myself.

For God.

For my parents.

For my friends.

I'm gonna stick my chin up,

grin,

and move forward.

It's been a year,

it's about time I let go of this

'funk' i've been in.

remembering sunday ;

good morning .
i have church in a little less than an hour .
then practice .
a meeting .
schedule pick up tomorrow .
and practice .
band practice tuesday.
youth wednesday .
practice thursday .
practice friday .
packing saturday .
leaving sunday .
i'll be at church every day .
hmm .
sunday i'm leaving at five in the morning .
me and my best friend in florida for a week .
how exciting :)
disney world ,
i'm not sure if i'm excited for .
but oh well .
what kind of mistake could i make
being in church all week ? hah .
i just have a feeling it'll be a good ,
and very busy ,
week .
everyone seems to be getting along .
things seem to be calming down .
it kind of scares me .
the calm before the storm ?
i'm determined that's not going to happen .

i can't let that happen.

& things might just be coming together ;

I'm back in the game.

I'm not saying life is perfect,
But seeing what you said,
I have hope.
Baby, do you know what an accomplishment that is?
I know we can do it together.
You're my best friend.
I want us to change together.
I want to hold each other to a promise
That we are going to be better people.
You'll still always be my partner in crime.
I just think our days of sneaking out are over.
Our days of lying, manipulating, being teenagers?
I think you're as tired as I am
of being called the 'bad influences'
Let's change it.
Dare I say
Let's leave a legacy?

i love my house.

mom: sam why do you keep getting prettier?

sam: duh it's called beauty sleep.

mom: well why aren't i getting prettier?

sam: i don't know, are you getting ugly sleep?

dear old dad would be proud :)

I'm not looking, I know, but I worked out this morning, and haven't showered yet.

( I'm going at soona s I hit post I promise)

Anyways, this is the dress for the wedding.

look! it's to the floor!

and covers my boobs!

:D

my body is screaming make it stop.

i woke up at sometime past four.
i groggily said good morning to my mother,
and got dressed.
kind of.
i am pretty sure i slept in these clothes,
i don't remember.
i went to the gym,
and did a class at 5 am.
I was ready to shoot myself.
I feel awesome now though.
It was funny,
when we pulled up there
was a red acura integra in the parking lot.
It was kind of pinkish looking.
we thought kyle was at the gym lol.
it would have been hilarious.
anyways, not that any of you care :)
Then me and Mom went to walmart.
It was foggy outside,
so we didn't see the cars until they were really close.
it must have been early,
because Mom suddenly goes,
"These cars are coming out of nowhere!
It's like Harry Potter or something!!"
It was the best.
Yesterday we were driving behind this car,
and having a serous conversation,
and suddenly there's this really bad silence,
and Mom decides to go,
"That car bought a trunk from a junkyard,
it doesn't match their car,
but it's ok.. *pause*
they probably saved alot of money."
I don't think she should talk while she drives..
Oh. I bought a new binder at Walmart,
it's big and purple, and I covered it in pictures,
I'm not officially ready for school ;)
A morning of bible reading and working out,
i'm feeling good :)
I have to go meet a Mom
that wants me to babysit.
Maybe, if she approves,
but you konw me, it's a long shot,
According to some mothers of course.
I love that everyone tells my Mom what a bad kid I am,
as if her thinking it isn't bad enough.
I used to hope that people would stick up for me
to my Mom, telling her that it's just because she loves with me.
But no, they all warn her.
As if she needs it.
And they warn their kids.
I hate it.
I'm not a bad person,
I'm really not.
As much as I hate to show it,
because it makes me so vulnerable,
I have a good heart.
I just got so screwed over as a kid,
that I'm scared to show people 'me' anymore.
Oh well.
Oh, and I guess Glen ever being my friend again is out
of the question.
I just am amazed lately at how quickly things change.
With everyone.
A year ago,
I could talk to Maddie Songer about anything.
I could call Connor about any problem.
I could talk to Glen, and he would talk back.
Now none of them talk to me.
I know god doesn't close one door without opening another..
He gave me Kyle..
But I didn't ever get a new Glen.
Not someone to replace him,
but I just need a good friend.
I need someone with morals,
with integrity,
someone that makes me strive to be a better person.
A role model.
An example.
I guess that's why I want so badly to talk to him.
His insight,
and love for God.
I want to be more like him.
I just need another friend
that's going to lead me in the right direction.
God knows I need it.
I'm going to go get ready,
places to go,
people to see.

Love you fo eva eva :)

& it's a brand new day.

a fresh start, right?

i wish that's how it worked.

i'm so tired of my past holding me back from my future.

it's not like everywhere else.

in this house, you make a mistake,

and no one is going to let you forget it.

everyone does it.

it's awful.

i'm going to try to change it.

it's a new day,

new chances.

new choices.

new decisions.

new words.

new attitudes.

blah blah blah.

CLICKY HAS RISEN! :D

I soooo didn't think that was going to happen.
I cam home a couple hours later,
and turned it on just to have a pity party of
how nasty the screen would be,
not working and all,
and it workkkkksss!
:D :D :D :D :D
Florida here I come!

RIP Clicky.

i'm about to burst into tears.
Zach broke my camera I just bought,
and I'm about to leave for Orlando/ Disneyworld for a week.
And I can NOT not take pictures.
Someone shoot me.

Dear God, are you kidding me?

I sat down to journal, and here's exactly what I wrote.

"Alright God, to be frank, I'm pissed at you. I'm more angry than I think I've ever been. I'm holding my bible, I'm not sure why. I don't want to touch it. But I'm thinking it's my last chance at life. I'm going to try. To find an answer? That's the point of this thing, right? To give me answers, directions..Please don't make this hard. Just show me what I need to see."

He comes through, every time, no fail.
I'm not sure why I ever doubt.
My emotions get the best of me.
I opened up to my old favorite verse.
I haven't seen it in years,
and I burst into tears.

Psalm 13;
How long, O Lord?
Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, O Lord.
Give light to my eyes,
Or I will sleep in death. (I think I've been doing that for a while..)
My enemy will say, "I have overcome him."
And my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love,
My heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the Lord,
For he has been good to me.

Alright God, ya got me.
I get it, I get it.

It reminded me of this song.
Turn off my music playing right now.
(Hard, I know, it's an awesome song)
and read these lyrics.

For a time I thought there was a thief among us
I thought I'd track him down but prior to my pursuit
The smoke it cleared into my disbelief
There was no theif
'Cuz it was me that lost you
There was no theif
'Cuz it was me that lost you
I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back
And I understand why you wouldn't want to
I guess it's up to me to find a way to get to you
And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cuz you were so much better than me
I can't see you
Getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And I'm so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shinin'
And there's just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this I've made
It was cowardice that made me push you away
I was so afraid 'cuz you were so much better than me

I guess it's safe to say you're never coming back...

And there, ladies and gentlemen,
lie the lyrics of my life.

Curtain closes.
The End.

don.t let us fall apart , baby .

Two years ago.

Don't let this fall apart now .

I love you .

I'm not sure what.s going through your head right now .

I don.t think it.s just the Blake thing .

I wish you would talk to me ..

I wish you wouldn.t scare me like this .

I can.t lose you now.

& ;hearts.

have you ever needed someone so bad? def leppard.

so , i'm a dork .

it scares me how obnoxious i am , hah .
i can't wait for school to start .
can you say ' cabin fever ' ?
i can!
CABIN FEVER! :D
Being grounded sucks .
I know Mom understands at least a little what happens .
she's being stubborn keeping me grounded ,
saying i never finish my groundings .
really ? a month ? oh well .
she's proving to herself , and maybe me, that she can keep me grounded .
kudos to you , mom . kudos to you .

I keep wanting to cut my hair ,
it's killing me .
i promised a certain someone that i wouldn't touch
hair cutting scissors ever again .
so i can't .
and i hate it .
arggggg .
if i could just touch this up ,
and trim up my bangs ?
crap .

i'm at a writers block again in music .
( and my blog if you haven't noticed the
suckishness of my posts lately )
every time i start to write ,
i write about him .
everyone gets tired of pathetic
little love songs .
at least from me .
my parents hate when i get into that groove ,
and can't write about anyone
but whoever the "him" is .
i wish i could write .
i don't know what to write about though .
what's on my mind ?
him .
what's on my heart ?
him .
what's going on right now ?
him .
doesn't give me much material to work with , hah .
i could write about being grounded ?
being in this house,
it really stinks .
hurting myself ,
i'm on the brink .
i need fresh air ,
the face of someone that cares .
blah . blah . blah .
hah , i'm terrible , awful , obnoxious.

i told mom i figured out who she should wife swap with .
a demonic family .
i think it would be great .
the jesus lady bible thumperrrr
meets the family in 'i heart satan' t shirts .
oh , it would be the best .
they might try to sacrafice her , though .
hmm .

i wrote god a hate note yesterday .
not necessarily hate ,
but i was angry .
more at myself ,
but i took it out on him .
i am just so frustrated .
i don't know how many times i've wrote that on
here this week ,
i know he can fix it ..
come on God , gimme something to work with .
i need to slow down ,
i need to breathe .
i need to settle down ,
and let God do his thing .
I need to stop freaking out .
I need to find my meds , hah .
time to breathe in and let everything out .

easier said than done.

omggg

if i died having owned these shoes ,

i'd be the happiest girl in the world.

i'm sorry ?

i get this feeling every once in a while ,
( meaning alot )
that i should just put you out of your misery .
that i should just send you on your way ,
and tell you to move on with your life .
i'm scared i'm going to hurt you ,
or my family is .
i'm scared it's not worth it.
you scare me ,
in the absolute best way ,
but worse than anything in the world .
i don't want to hurt you .
i don't know how to stress that to you .
i'm not going to do that to you like every other guy though .
play a charade of i want you , i don't .
i want you , i know i do .
i just have to get it through my head ,
it's all going to be okay .
everything is going to turn out alright .
God has a plan .
i just pray you're included ; )
i'm trying to be optimistic here ,
i'm trying not to pull the usual sophia ,
tell you to leave ,
and string you along .
you deserve so much better than that .
i can't do that to you .
i just need to get it through , and out, of my head.

& you know it's for you .

bad mood ?
i can blame it on pms ,
being a teenager ,
with all those crazy hormones ,
or losing my medication .
( unfortunately that last one actually happened )
the truth is ,
my problem is you .
i miss you .
i can't stand being away from you .
it's driving me insane .
i literally have points where i think about it ,
and want to break down .
in a parking lot ,
in walmart ,
at church ,
wherever .
i'm frustrated .
i made a mistake .
he . was . a . mistake .
and i'm paying for it .
i can't have you .
the one thing i want more than anything in the world .
except maybe to be taller ? hah .
i hate this .
i hate that you control my emotions ,
and we don't even talk .
i know in the span of life ,
it'll all be over soon .
but this day to day stuff is killing me .
i don't know how much longer i can take it .
joyce meyer today made a point though .
she talked about 'evil forboding' .
expecting something bad to happen all the time .
that's me .
of course , i don't have to tell you that.
what if i expected something good ?
what if i was optimistic ?
i'm scared to expect things to change though ,
if you don't expect things ,
and they don't happen ,
you're not disappointed .
but honestly , when you think about it ,
i'm disappointed anyways ,
so what's the harm in trying ?
good things are going to happen to me .
i'm going to get you back .
my life is going to make a turn around .
i'm squeezing my eyes shut .


are you here yet ?

oops .

i messed up on that last post ,
i didn't marry glen ,
i married connor .
hah , like that's any better .

i miss you ..

I realized today , I am absolutely the dumbest girl ,
and i'm not sure why everyone doesn't hate me .
i'm not saying that as a pity party ,
i just know that if i met myself ,
i would walk away talking trash .
i would hate me .
wow . ugh .

i keep having the weirdest dreams .
like last night , for example .
i married ben ?
my best friend , with no romantic feelings at all .
i mean , i love him and all , but still .
i always have dreams about weddings .
watch me grow up and never get married .
agh , that would suck .
i had a dream that i married glen ,
and kyle and connor were the best man / maid of honor.
i am shuddering at the thought .
i don't know if it's more of the thought of
marrying someone who refuses to talk to me ,
or connor in a dress .
either way.

i tried smiling at glen this morning ,
it's become a game for me .
pretty ridiculous .
he looks the other way every single time .
i don't know why find it amusing ,
cause honestly , it's like ripping my heart out every time .
oh well , it happens .

i'm so tired of being grounded .
this whole thing is stupid ,
i shouldn't even be grounded .
a month , for a little mistake , really?
a week , maybe?
this was supposed to be my best summer .
and it has sucked more than anything , ever .
i'll have one week of summer ,
and no one is going to have time to do anything ,
because it's right before school starts ,
they'll be getting ready .
and i know mom won't let me do anything ,
because she'll say i need to sleep / wake up early to
get back into routine .
ahh crap .
stupid me , stupid mistakes ,
stupid everything .
i'm ready for it all to be over .
this whole part of my life .
over , done , finished .
blah . blah . blah .
nexxxxxtttttttt ?

wifeswapp.

i think i'm borderline addicted to this show. hmm.
i should make my mom go on it.
how would another woman survive in our house?
oh yeah, she wouldn't.

i dyed my hair black finally,
so it matches my extensions.
i wish the hair was real? but oh well.
mom asked if i was wearing them for my school picture.
is it wrong that i said yes? hmm..

i'm spending the night at grandma's tonight.
lorraine is trying to convince me to get up
and do zumba with her in the morning.
is laughing in someone's face rude?
i know i'm fat, but i'm not going THAT far to fix it..

i really want a snake.
mom said no.
or hell no.
i don't remember exactly..

my birthday is in 300 days.
at least tomorrow, the days go to the 200's.
that's exciting to me, call me a dork, i don't care.

school is starting soon.
i have to say that deep down, i'm nervous.
i have made so many new friends this summer,
but still not a best friend?
and not a group of people?
only different people from different groups.
another year of not fitting in.
i know i wsn't made to fit in though,
and i'll survive.

i have the feeling i'm slipping again.
my friends can tell, too.
i hate to think that i'm depressed.
i know i'm not yet, but i feel it coming.
i keep having to talk myself out
of crawling into bed and crying for no reason.
i hate this disease,
i treat people like crap,
especially the ones i care about most.

i wish people would blog more often.
when i don't have any to read, i write.
and lately i hate writing, because i have
nothing good to say.

i hate being grounded.
i want friends.
not that i really have any that i could hang with anyways..
it's just that with the rules..
plenty of people ask,
i just can never say yes.
and i think people got tired of being rejected ;)

i'm rambling,
i'm just so confused lately.
i'm trying to take my mind off things.

siler is throwing banana at me while i type.

this is the story of a girl,
who cried a river and drowned the whole world.
maybe that story is about me?
how many lovers would stay,
just to put up with this shit day after day?
i love this song ,

i don't know what to do.
i don't know what to think ,
i don't know why i'm still blogging,
when i have nothing left to say.

ScaredyCat.

It's sad to me that Jesus is frightening.
While trying to get people in youth today,
I heard the same things over and over.
"What do I wear?"
"What religion?"
"Are they going to, like, chant and stuff?"
"What are we going to do?"
People had such a negative response,
And it just makes me sad.
Church is supposed to be an inviting place,
A palce to feel welcome, and loved,
And a place where you can find the answers to your problems.
Why isn't my church like that?
I was inspired today.
A baptism took place,
A new young married couple,
The gentleman's arms covered in tattoos,
Being baptised in a cutoff Tapout shirt.
Jesus doesn't care what you wear.
I don't know why, but that man made me smile.
I love little things like that.
Jesus is a personal thing.
I hate that we, as a society, feel it's something we conform to.
A church is not a place where they tell you how to do it.
We all do it differently.
It's a place for us all to come together,
Bringing our ideas, our experiences, and our own personal Jesus with us.
Am I wrong?
I just feel like Jesus is different to everyone.
He's exactly what you need.
For me, he's a father that is proud of me.
For me, he's a friend that i'm not just convenient to.
For me, he's a boy that loves me for who I am.
He's exactly what I need.
And you know what, maybe Jesus is my perfect boy.
Wh wouldn't he be?
I'm supposed to be completely in love with him..
Maybe he has that dark hair I love,
Gorgeous eyes,
A perfect body,
And yes I bet tattoos are included.
Maybe "WWJD"?
Just kidding.
Why shouldn't I be able to make Jesus who I want?
If I conform to the thought that he's so strict,
Judging me for little things,
And absolutely no fun,
Why would I want to be part of that?
I'm in a relationship.
I'm completely in love with him.
Why would I want to be in love with someone that
everyone else created.
He's MY Jesus,
And if you know me at all,
You know I don't share.

and of course some more ..

- walking around the house in a tshirt with absolutely nothing under it is apparently the only way to tell your mom you need to go shopping for more underwear.
- cleaning products are not playtoys for children.
- when you tell your seven year old sister you need to blog, dont say it will take ten seconds, she'll sit there and count.
- don't ask to walk somewhere at 10 , your mom will get suspicious .
- don't take advantage of simple things like kitchen sinks and dishwashers , soon you'll be doing dishes in the bathroom sink.
- headbands are to be worn on your head .. only.
- don't leave your windows open at night , you never know who's lurking.
- it's difficult, but not impossible, to play piano with a broken pinky.
- don't text someone's house phone .. it's just annoying.
- never touch unknown shredded blue substance when found on the bathroom floor.
- extensions with breast milk spilled on them should be washed before worn..
- don't leave diaries on the table, ever.
- tiny windows are not made to be crawled out of. ever.
- never hide vodka in empty ibuprofen bottles, you always get caught.
- mysterious white splotches on couch cushion , don't touch them.

Th , th , th , thaat's all folkkss .

life lessons cont:

- when you're in a deaf church, not everyone is deaf. keep comments to yourself.
- making up your own sign language is not found acceptable.
- do not just take someone's baby and walk away, it's frowned upon.
- not everyone is as perverted as you, watch what you laugh at.
- don't take it personally when someone doesn't smile back, it happens.
- if you want to freak someone out, just take out your extensions in the middle of church.
- don't miss someone too much, it gives you crazy ideas.


again, to be continued..

What I've learned ,

-Friends can and will stab you in the back.
-Guys will hit it and quit it, whether they say they will or not.
-Shorter shorts are not the answer.
-If you dress like a flesh buffet, you will be treated like a piece of meat.
-Don't worry about the things you can't change.
(Oh, who am I kidding , I know you will)
-'Forever' is different to everyone.
-Hands on the wheel, eyes on the road, no matter what.
-Sometimes, cartoons and ben&jerrys really is the answer.
-Nothing.they.say.is.true.
-Sometimes, all you need is to cry. Put the pride aside, it happens.
-Guys are jerks, period, nd of story.
-Just because it's summer doesn't mean you have to be stupid .
-sometimes when you open your mouth, the things you intended to say .
-On occasion it's better to just not say anything.
-A good ass kicking is necessary sometimes.
-A promise means nothing.
-the littlest things can make you smile, don't be ashamed of it.
-..to be continued.

It'ss Baaaaccckkkk..

My hair is BACK!
I went out yesterday to Sally's and bought
18" Jet Black extensions.
Longer than it's ever been.
Best $100 I ever spent.
I'm so excited.
More than excited.
Ecstatic?
I'm leaving for Kansas City tonight.
For five days.
Everything is so exciting.
I'm..smiling. :)

St. Louis Idol

Alright, they're calling back Thursday.
The best part of it?
A guy ocming up afterwards,
Asking about a St. Louis record deal?
They're supposed to be calling within the next couple
of weeks so I can go in and sing for them,
another audition.

Waiting for calls,
Waiting for calls..

Can't Get No Satisfaction.

Alright, Alright.
Joyce, ya got me.
I'll try it.
I'll try with the god attitude,
The optimism,
The annoying, overly necessary
"Everything is going to be ok,
and God can fix everything,
and blah blah blah"
Not that I don't think God
can fix any situation,
it's just that, well,
i know he CAN, it's a matter
of WILL he?
But it's all about my attitude, right?
I have to believe he's going to fix things,
and then he will?
Right?
Isn't that what they're all leccturing me will happen?
I never wanted to give them the satisfaction.
But I realized, they all want me to succeed.
My satisfaction is THEIR satisfaction.
So in order for me to be happy,
I need to make them happy?
Which is ironic,
because making them happy,
makes ME unhappy.
I just love my little life.
Oh wait, I'm going to be optimistic.
I'm..thankful for people that care about me.
I don't know if I can do this.
saying I will is one thing....
Maybe I'll start with today.
Just try for today.
What do I have to lose?

I hope you don't think you're leaving the house looking like that.

First of all,
I would like to say
That last night,
I realized just how much
My Father doesn't trust me.
We have two guys staying with us,
One my age, one Alex's age.
They're staying in my room.
Me and Alex were supposed to sleep
in my brother's room.
The last couple of nights,
though, I've been sleeping
on the couch.
So last night,
After everyone went to bed,
My Dad came in my brother's room,
I guess to make sure we were there.
I layed in there for a while,
But knew there was no way
I could sleep in a room
That wasn't mine,
So I got my pillow
and moved to the livingroom,
Stopping in my Dad's doorway
On the way downstairs,
To tell him I was moving to the couch,
So he wouldn't think I
Had decided to just waltz
Out of the house.
After about twenty minutes,
He came downstairs,
Picked upa blanket off the floor,
And plopped onto the loveseat.
For a fully grown man
To sleep on a loveseat,
With his legs hanging over the
arm of it, He must really
Be desperate to make sure I
don't leave.
Now don't get me wrong,
I had no intention of leaving.
It was kind of nice that he cares, though.
A bit over the top,
But I'll take what I can get.

sleepyland.

Happy fourth?
i've slept most of it away already.
pierce got here last night at 10 something,
i was already asleep.
i got up, and by midnight,
the pleasantries were over,
and we popped in "spanglish"
i fell asleep before it was over.
i woke up at 8:30,
woke everyone up,
and we had pancakes.
then we retreated back to the couch,
and
watched ther truman show.
well, kind of, i drifted in and out of sleep.
then i fell asleep until 1.
and now i'm up, finally,
wondering why i wasted the day away.
i'm trying to type while pierce hits my elbow with his foot.
i'm not sure of plans for the day.
i'm not sure if i'm going to be awake today.
i'm thinking..not.

 

My bed is made, alert the media. And I finally got my two bulletin boards hung. Needless to say, I'm pretty satisfied.

 

I got new magnets, and they're aweeesommmeee :)

 

Man I should have company all the time if it makes me clean my room like this..

Live another day.

A couple nights ago, Mom was having a "Jesus talk" with me,
and mentioned that I should be able to wake up in the morning,
and say "Good morning Jesus! Thank you that I'm alive another day!"
That's not the case for me.
I wake up, wanting to cry,
wondering why God let me live through another night.
Couldn't he just let me go?
Couldn't he just let me die in my sleep?
Apparently God has a purpose for me in this world.
He's let me survive through so much already.
When I was six, and run over by a van,
i survived with only a heart imprint from my shoe as a battle scar.
When we were in that wreck, and all I had was a bruise.
When I took an entire family size bottle of Tylenol,
And had not even a stomach ache.
When I was ready to try again,
And got shipped off to Centerpoint for a week.
Aparently, he wants something more for me.
He's not letting me go, just yet.
There's something I need to do,
Something I was put here to do.
Now I just have to figure out what that is.
I have to get up, and move on with my life,
And mostly, I have to accept that I'm here to stay,
and I'm not disposable.
I've got some unfinished business to attend to.

Back So Soon?

Back so soon, you may ask?
You're silly if you think I can stay away from this blog.
It's my addiction,
My escape.
When I write,
It's honestly like I'm not in the world anymore.
It distracts me from everything happening.
My surroundings blur,
I don't hear anything
But the steady click of the keyboard.
Is it weird to love writing that much?
It hurts me to love it,
Why can't I love God like that?
Why?
Why can't I love him like that?
I want to so badly.
I want him to hold me, and comfort me,
and whisper to me that everything is going to be okay.
I need to be held.
I need to be loved.
I just can't ho substitute real, passionate love
for the cheapened version the world provides.
Not that human love isn't enough,
But it's not what I'm supposed to look for.
I need to be whole before I can try and add something else.
I have to find myself in God again.
I have to be able to go into this relationship
Confident of myself, knowing I'm beautiful,
talented, and worth the wait.
I'm not a piece of meat,
I'm not just another girl.
I need to know I'm special.
That I'm the daughter of a King,
And he loves me far more than any mere human could offer.
Why can't I fall in love with Jesus again?
Why is it that I so easily give my heart
To any human, but the one I really need..
I need Jesus.
I know I do.
I need something there,
Something constant,
Something to hold me up,
Keep me together.
Hold me together.
I need a friend.
I miss Alyssa.
She's one of my only friends that
makes me want to be a better person.
We made plans, but they fell through.
It would be nice to have a stable cell phone,
But oh well.
I need a friend,
I need to fall in love with Jesus.
I need alot of things.
I need a good hard smack in the head.
I need a reality check.

R.I.P Summer 09'

It was supposed to be the best summer of my life,
I turned 16.
This was just what I wanted, right?
Well, I'm grounded until the end of the summer.
Woot woot.
Just thought I'd let you know I'm not abandoning you guys,
And about every ten seconds, I have the urge to get on and blog.
I'm sorry Mom, I know I'm grounded, and you'll see this,
But I couldn't leave them hanging?
I love you all,
Don't forget about me,
And hey why don't you leave me a comment?
Too busy now?
You have another..2 months until I'll see it anyways.
Have a good summer!
I sure as hell won't.

@ppl#bee$!

Applebees tonight from 6-9 on Midrivers,
we get 15% of the money to help send us to Florida.
So come eat.

School is horrible.
I hate not talking to Connor.
I hate talking to him, too.
He really thinks I talk bad about him.
I've wasted too much time sticking up for him
for this to happen, but oh well.

I miss Kyle.
Alot.
I hate this.
I'm sick of dancing around the subject.

I have a headache.

I wish Maddie would stop trying to be my friend,
it's not happening.

I am headed out to the chiropractor.

I need a pedicure.
And maybe a massage?

I'm ready for school to be over
I'm reayd for drama to be over.
i'm ready for kyle
i'm ready for this summer to actually feel like summer

It was never about you all along..

You know that old saying,
Repeated by 1st graders daily around the nation,
"You're pointing at me, but that means four fingers are pointing at you."
The innocent, young kids know more than any of us.
They are so, completely and utterly right.
I've been spending so long pointing fingers at everyone else,
While all along,
The four fingers have been pointing me out to the world.
It's actually more like eight fingers,
Because I usually have my arms crossed,
Pointing both fingers at whoever may be closest,
And easiest to relay the blame to.
It was never about you all along.
It was about me.
Just what I wanted, right?
I've been searching in the wrong places.
I've been holding on to the wrong hand.
I've been crying on the wrong shoulder.
You've been here all along,
Why didn't I see?
Why didn't I realize..
Why didn't I take advantage of it?
It's like someone holding this awesome, mindblowing gift
In front of my face,
Just dangling it there,
Saying "Take it, it's yours."
And I just sit and stare,
Blank face, expression of nothing,
Completely ignoring it.
"It's right here! It's for you! No strings attatched! Take it!"

Take it! Can't you see I love you? It's for you! Please!
I've been asking for it for so long,
And you've been offering,
I've just been looking for more,
Looking for the wrong thing.
Trying to take matters into my own hands,
And take care of myself.
I'm here now,
I'm done trying to do it my way.
Take care of me?
Please?
Make it all better, make it all go away.

Please just make it go away..

Why is it all coming undone?

Why is everything going back to the way it was?
why is everything unraveling again?
why am i back at this point.
everyone pointing fingers,
the yelling,
the fighting,
i just want to get out.
i can't handle this.
if i don't talk, i'm hiding things.
if i tell you things, you think i'm manipulating,
making you think i'm a good person.
i dont think you know how i have to live with so much criticism.
i hate this.
i can't stand it
i can't stand you
i can't stand myself.

i can't believe we're here again
i'm faling again
i'm dying again

what am i supposed to do?

why am i fighting so hard to be a good person
when all i'm doing is scerwing myself in the end
working for nothing
my change is a "coverup"i'm "worse than i've ever been"
]dfglkhuagkjwl hivtlnwn v wb ; vlkjp vhjoi

This monster I've become.

Why am I so deathly afraid of myself?
Why am I afraid for others, the ones that are close to me?
When did I become such a monster?
I hate myself, I can't stand to even look.
I hurt everyone.
I disappoint,
I lie and manipulate like adding 2+2.
I get whatever I want if I'm willing to fight hard enough.
I'm a drama queen,
And overreact to everything.
I don't deserve anything I have,
and am not grateful anyways.
I'm disrespectful,
And feed off of smartass remarks.
I do things I know I shouldn't,
Then blame it on other people.
I start fights that shouldn't be started,
And say things that shouldn't be said.
I'm wasting air here.
What am I even doing here?
I don't know what to do.
I don't know who I am.
I'm scared to find out.
I'm just so afraid.
I'm living in constant fear lately.
constant.
I don't know what to do,
I don't know what to say,
I don't know who to turn to.
I need something,
I'm just not sure what.
I don't want to be like this again,
I hate that I've gotten this low.
I just need an inspiration,
A smile,
A something.
Pick me up,
Hold me,
Tell me everything is going to be alright.

Everything is going to be okay, right?

I can't do it.

I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I'm slipping.
I'm afraid.
I'm trembling in the worst of ways.
I'm on the verge of tears.
I'm rocking back and forth,
Trying to hold myself together,
But I don't think it's going to work.
Eventually I'll be too exhausted to try,
And I'll just give up.
I can't give up,
I can't give up,
I have to hold on.
At least a little longer.

You're doing it wrong.

My head is a mess right now.
Confusion is my worst enemy.
I hate being unsure of my feelings.
I realized something today though.
I mean, I've realized it before,
It just was never so relevant.
I know I'll sound crazy,
But you're doing dating all wrong.
I was talking to my Mom about past boyfriends,
And future ones,
And we started talking about marriage.
What's the point of even wasting your time with a guy
If he's not marriage material.
I'm not saying we all have to jump up and get married.
Not at all.
I'm just saying we should date people with qualities
That we're going to want to tolerate for the rest of our lives.
I love a boy,
and he has everything I need.
He genuinely cares, unlike alot of people.
He's patient, cause God knows I need someone like that.
Optimistic, because I'm the face of pessimism.
Gentle, unlike my fighting self.
He's perfect for me.
He balances me,
He completes me?
I always thought that sounded so gay,
but I understand now what they mean.
I don't feel empty anymore.
The things I was lacking,
I have in him.
I don't know what the point of this was really.
I was just thinking how sad it is,
All the dating and sex for nothing.
All without feelings,
Or pure motives.
It's just.
Cause you want to.
Cause you feel like it.
Can't we put some emotion into this world?
Real, pure emotion.
Not lust.
Love. Actual love.
Maybe I'm turning into the optimistic one..

One day, I'll sing you your song.

verse one.

In my head the thoughts are racing,

All the strife our love is facing,

Can't it be simple,

This love of ours.

verse two.

On your heart I lay my hand,

And say "Boy, this here is mine."

I really hope you understand,

Cause I'm running out of time.

pre-chorus.

Deep down I know we'll be okay,

In the end, we'll find a way.

chorus.

We'll be okay,

We'll make it through,

Some way, some how,

I'll make it back to you.

You'll be mine,

My dream come true,

No matter what they say,

I'm still in love with you.

verse three.

Have I ever mentioned,

I'm quite a selfish girl.

I won't be sharing you

With anyone else in the world.

verse four.

I know it won't be long

Til I can hold you again

All this waiting drives me crazy,

I can't wait for it to end.

pre-chorus.

Deep down I know we'll be okay

In the end, we'll find a way.

chorus.

We'll be okay,

We'll make it through

No matter what I do, I'll make it home to you

You'll be all mine

My wish come true

No matter what they say

I'm still in love with you.

bridge.

Baby this just isn't right,

But you know I'm willing to fight,

I will win this battle.

No matter what it takes,

No matter what I do,

They won't stand in my way,

I'll come back to you.

chorus.
we'll be okay
we'll make it through
No matter what I do,
I'm coming back to you,
We'll be together,
Me and you,
I'll tell you a million times,
I'm so in love with you.
So in love with you.

Is it sad that non-living things can make me cry?

Waking up without you
It doesn't feel right
To sleep with only memories
It's harder every night
Sometimes I think I can feel you breathing on my neck

Tonight I'm reaching out to the stars
I think that he owes me a favor
It doesn't matter where you are
I'll hold you again

I wish I could hear your voice
And don't leave me alone in this bed
I wish I could touch you once more
And don't leave me alone in this bed
Not tonight, not tomorrow

I've got the feeling that this will never cease
Living in these pictures
It never comes with ease
I swear that if I could make this right
You'd be back by now

Tonight I'm screaming out to the stars
He knows he owes me a favor
It doesn't matter where you are
You'll be mine again

I wish I can hear your voice
And don't leave me alone in this bed
I wish I could touch you once more
And don't leave me alone in this bed

What about the plans that we had
We'd been crazy not to go
Meet me in capeside

I wish I can hear your voice
And don't leave me alone in this bed
I wish I could touch you once more
And don't leave me alone in this bed

Don't leave me alone, don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone in this bed
Don't leave me alone, don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone in this bed

Bad boy, Bay boy, Whatcha gonna do? Cause you know they're gonna come for you.

You're just a silly puppet master,
With all us girls on strings.
Evil and controlling,
Dictating every move.
Everntually you start to slip,
Toying with so many girls at once.
The ropes are becoming twisted,
Ironically resembling your lies.
We're falling over each other,
You're losing control.
Worlds colliding,
Truths unveiled.
Heart and friendships broken.
Is this what you planned for all along?
The audience is dwindling,
After seeing the poor show you put on.
The girls are escaping from their strings,
ones that you've controlled them so long with,
Disguised as things like charm, love, acceptance, sex,
Disguised as things that wouldn't hurt them,
but have scarred them far more than you care to know.
These things have controlled them too long.
You can't control them anymore.
They see through your transparent structure.
You should probably be afraid.
These girls are none to mess with.

The spell lifted,
Strings released,
They're not your puppets anymore,
And they're ready for their revenge.

Is this what you had hoped for?

Where are you?

I want to be inspired.
I want to have that moment,
That makes we want to change my life.
I want something to make me
so incredibly happy,
so inspired,
so craving that change.
Any change.
Anything.
I just want to be inspired.
Is that bad, to yearn for that so much?
I want something.
What's the point of living,
If you have nothing to live for?
I don't know what brought this up,
I just feel..like I need something.
I feel like I'm missing something.
Inspire me.

What makes someone make a decision?
And no, I'm not talking about the six step
decision making process.
I'm talking about living day to day,
making decisions that completely change your life.
How hard can it be,
To make the right decision?
To put pride aside,
To put selfish ambitions aside,
And just do what you're supposed to do?
People are easy to read,
At least for me.
I know exactly what he wants,
I just am too stubborn to give it to him.
I can't understand this.
In the long run, I would get what I want..
Sometimes, I hate myself for being such
a typical, stupid teenage girl.
I used to pride myself on the fact that
I'm not like other girls.
Maybe it's because I wasn't.
Now I'm not so sure.
I need to get back to that.
Who pays attention to someone
That is just like everyone else?

Connor started summer school Friday.
It went alright.
I had my moment, but it's okay now.
I was scared to be honest.
We were standing in the hallway,
and I expected to want to touch him.
Hug him, kiss him.
But I didn't want to.
Is this what it feels like to let go?
I didn't know what to do.
Obviously there was nothing to do,
But I felt so lost.
We got in a fight,
But we're Sophia and Connor,
That's just what we do.
He's going to understand one day that I want him as a friend.
I can do it.
I understand there are eyes across the world,
Some I don't even know,
That are rolling their eyes,
and saying "what a stupid girl."
but I'm not letting my past control my future anymore.
My future is mine for the taking.
Mine to do with what I want.
I just have to play my cards right.
Be patient.
Wait for the things that will make me
so much happier in the long run,
Rather than things that I want now,
getting that instant gratification.
I have to play by the rules,
and not skip in and around those loopholes.
I can do it.
I'm Sophia.
I can do whatever I want.
And I want to live the right way this time.

Crumpled, ghost note found on the floor.

I can feel you.
You're close enough to taste,
But still beyond my grasp.
I scramble to catch you,
But you slip away again,
Right through my aching fingers.
I'm left here,
Clutching air,
Wondering where you've gone to.
Your smell lingers,
Brings tears to my eyes.
I can still taste you.
I can still feel you.
Then realization hits,
No, I can't taste you, you're not here to taste.
No, I can't feel you, You're much to far away to hold onto.
You're gone.
A mere ghost.
A face of the past.
A memory.
A song,
Sung one too many times.
The lyrics are getting old,
The tune repetitive.
Loved and played over and over
Until finally I grew tired of it.
I grew tired of us,
I grew tired of you.
I grew tired of dreams that will never come true,
And nightmares of being with you.

i've wished on every star in the sky.

And we knew what time we had

Could be counted on our fingertips

That almost made you cry

You let me hold you tightly

As we said all our goodbyes

I did it. I let go. I didn't just say it, I didn't pretend. I let it go. It's time to breathe in and let everything out. Happy Birthday Dad, you're forty today. Forty. That's a big deal in a guy's life, right? Maybe it will be a turning point. I was praying, (well trying) and I realized that I've had the wrong intentions all along. It was Connor. I wanted the relationship with my Dad so that I could have Connor, not my Dad. I'm not going to do that this time. And I know Kyle won't let me do that. The last conversation we had, he was begging me to get close to my Dad. Not just to be with him again, but because he honestly cares. He's not worried about the dating, we's worried about my relationship with my Dad. Does anyone know how relieving that is, to have someone that really cares, and isn't just in it, well, to see what they can get out of it? And I"m not doing it for Kyle. Of course I want to be with him, but when it's supposed to happen, it will. Otherwise, I'm going to be asking to date every time my Dad smiles, and I think we're "good".

Anything can change at any time. And what better day than a fortieth birthday, right? Maybe I'm just being too optimistic, but hey, that never hurt anyone, right? I don't know, but for once I don't care. Whatever is suposed to happen, I know it will. God has this crazy way of pulling everything together in my life last second before I completely fall apart. He'll make it all work. My Dad. Kyle. Everything. It's all going to be okay. It's going to be better than okay, it's going to be completely perfect, absolutely wonderful.

May I say I loved you more?

It's going to be okay.

I know everything is going to be okay.

I just have to have the patience.

Sweet Jesus..

I reconnected tonight.

I got back into the right mind set.

Tonight was all about friendship.

You have to be a good friend to have good friends.

I was told something tonight.

It was a discussion I didn't want to have

but that's what makes her one of my best friends.

She tells me what no one else has the guts to.

She tells me things I don't want to hear.

She tells me things I need to hear.

Like that I can wait.

Like the fact that I'm too hard on myself.

I do this thing,

and I do it quite often.

I let my not so awesome reputation control my life.

I act the way people expect me to

I say "What else, but the Sophia thing to do?"

She told me tonight, I don't have to be old Sophia.

I don't have to be the old sketchy, dishonest, untrustworthy,

nasty, rebellious, smartass, disrespectuful Sophia.

I can make a new reputation.

I can build my life up again.

That 'building' is going to require some tearing down.

Tearing down lines of communication with certain people.

Certain person to be exact.

I knew it was going to happen again,

It always does.

Here's the honest, raw, unedited truth.

I'm a scared, young, naive girl.

Last July, I met a guy.

I fell in love with him,

Or so I thought.

It was a toxic relatinship in ways.

Others, absolutely perfect.

I convinced myself that I was going to be with this boy

until my world came crumbling down.

And at points, it did.

I pushed him away time after time,

telling him to move on,

that it wasn't love,

only to come back months, weeks later..

Saying sorry,

telling each other it was a mistake,

we still love each other,

we're still going to be together in the end.

But I have to be real with myself,

I have to be real with him.

I'm not in love with you anymore.

I think I was in love with the thought of it.

The thought that I had you forever,

I found you so early.

The thing is, you're not mine.

You're the most amazing guy,

and the one, but not my one.

I have to let go.

We're on the same road, just maybe not headed for the same direction.

I need someone to lead me where I want to go.

To lead me where I need to go.

I have to move on with my life.

I have to keep building.

Building up my relationships.

With my Dad.

My best friends.

My not-so-best friends.

My family.

I need to be a better person.

I need to convince myself, and the rest of the world,

that I can change.

That I have changed.

Things are shifting again.

New rules made.

New relationships formed.

But I'm okay,

I'm done sweating the small stuff.

God has a plan.

And I hope, and pray that Kyle is involved in that plan.
but if not, God will take care of it.

All I have to do is wait, and see.

Pray, trust, have faith.

Love.

And most importantly, live.

Not in the past, but live.

Truly live.
Not for the future either.

Live today, focus on now.

Breathe, and of course, smile.

Just more salt in the old wound.

I'm doing it again.
That scribbling thing,
it's become a habit of my mind.
I swear to you,
there is a person living in my mind.
Man, Woman, I don't know.
I don't really care to know either.
I just know that it is an indecisive little devil.
That thing, person, whatever you want to call it,
gets these ideas.
they scribble them down,
a to do,
a post it,
just a note.
Then they scribble it out.
throw it away.
come back,
draw it all out.
scribble it out.
frantically doing this ocer and over,
different ideas,
different paths,
different lives.
Every choice,
leads to a different life for me.
Every.
single.
decision.
am I the only one that is completely
scared out of my mind at that idea?
I mess up my life,
one litle decision at a time.
every move I make,
Every step I take.
(anyone else siging in their head?
I'll be watching you..)
Sorry, I'm rambling.
It's not my fault though,
it's that stupid thing in my head.
I'm starting to think there are two.
fighting each other to make my decisions.
My next choice,
My next step.
One smarter than the other.
One who cares,
knows what's best.
One who wants to live the high life,
the material world is top priority.
They're constantly fighting,
and the problem is,
lately I've been hearing them.
At first I thought I was the bad one,
fighting with the good.
But then I realized,
I usually don't agree with either.
why are they fighting?
Why won't they stop?
can someone please make it stop?
It's driving me mad.
No peaceful sleep,
No peaceful thoughts..
Racing thoughts,
Shortness on breath,
Why won't it stop?
why won't they shut up?
I can't handle this anymore.
There has to be a way to make it stop.

someone make it stop..
make it all stop.

Just Another Rough Draft.

Can someone please explain it?
Can someone please put it into terms that make sense?
Why we're wired this way?
Why we're designed to treat love like a fad?
When it's in, it's in.
When it's not, well...
you better hope it becomes classy or you're out the door.
I feel like we're searching so desperately.
We're searching so hard that we're actually missing it.
We're missing what's right in front of you.
We're sitting at the table,
Drawing on page after page,
Oh, you don't like that one?
Crumple it up.
Toss it towards the already overflowing can,
Filled with all your other rough drafts.
Your mistakes.
Your "loves".
It's not something to be used lightly.
I'm just afraid I suppose.
I'm preaching to myself.
I feel like I'm the rough draft,
I'm the current piece,
Ready to be crumpled,
And tossed.
You made it.
Two points.
It's okay,
There's plenty more paper where that came from.

One at a Time.

One at a time,

Single file line please.

Don't worry ladies and gentleman,

You'll all get a piece.

It's just that when I tear off pieces of my heart,

To give to you all,

It takes a little while.

I have to claw it out of my chest,

Tearing my flesh.

Giving yet another piece of me

away to yet another person.

Making myself that much more vulnerable,

that much more breakable.

It's not the easiest procedure.

And while you're here,

How about I get a piece of you, too?

I'll show you mine, You show me yours first,

Let's compare scars, I'll tell you whose is worse.

I'm grasping for more people to hold onto.

To love on.

To care about.

Someone to be here,

to trust me,

so I can start to trust myself,

that I can be in a relationship,

without failing them,

without disappointing them,

without letting them down.

I know I can.

I will.

I'm proving it to myself.

Let me?

Not my words.

These are not my words.

I'm merely a mouth,

being used to convey a message.

A message of hope.

Of love.

Of staying fathful.

Stay, Baby.

Keep believing.

Keep praying.

He's there.

I promise he is.

I promise.

I'm sorry you're hurting and broken,

I'm so sorry.

I wish I could take it.

I've told you that a million times.

I wish I could have it.

I wish you were happy again.

I wish you knew real joy.

Joy in Christ.

Joy is not the good times.

It's that deep down satisfaction in God,

knowing he's there,

and he loves you,

even through the rough times.

It's love.

He's love.

God loves you as much as he loves himself.

God loves himself enough,

that he created this entire world,

He put so much energy and love into making it.

He loves you with that much.

Does that make sense to you?

He loves you with that much energy,

That much love,

That much power.

Baby, please tell me that makes sense to you.

He's there.

He's listening.

He's waiting for you.

He's waiting for you to really let go.

You're not ready to lose control yet.

You're not ready to give up.

Give it up.

It's over.

As far as this world is concerned,

you're nothing.

You're worthless.

You're dirt.

Why kiss the feet of the ones that kick you?

Why spend your time,

trying to impress those who will never be impressed.

Why?

You don't have to try with him,

He's impressed with the least of us.

And we are definitely low.

But he loves us.

Please understand.

He's so in love with you.

So, incredible, amazingly in love with you.

Who knows.

to you, this may be a jumble of words,

a long drawn out string of thoughts.

You may skim through,

Nodding your head,

So you can say you read it.

In one ear and out the other.

And you know what,

if that's what happens,

It's okay.

Maybe it's not time yet.

But God knows.

He knows when you'll really give up,

really surrender,

really trust him.

Trust him to fix you,

to piece you back together,

one

little

piece

at

a

time.

One.

Not just say the magic words and you're fixed.

It takes time, Baby.

But you know what,

It will be so worth the wait.

You'll be whole.

You'll be happy.

You'll be at peace.

You'll be Heather.

Beautiful, confident, perfect Heather.

The girl I'm in love with.

Completely.

You're my best friend,

I've never cared so much.

Please give up.

The last thing I ever thought I'd ask you to do.

Please, Baby.

Please.

Give up.

Give it all up.

Your "friends" that screw you over time and time again.

The guys that "like you."

Since when does liking you mea getting in your pants and leaving?

"What made you think he couldn't find the door in the morning,

when he found that bed so easily in the dark?"

Your Father.

Your Sister.

Your brother.

Your Mom.

Collin.

Jeff.

Alex.

Zach.

Everything.

Every problem,

Every stress,

Every burden.

Give it up, Baby.

It's time for you to be free.

It's time for you to be happy.

It's time for you to breathe.

It's time for you to be Heather.

I promise.

It's going to be alright.

Losing control isn't the worst thing.

It means you're trusting him to make it all right.

You don't have to handle it yourself anymore.

You never did.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier.

Give it up.

Let it go.

You've been clutching it too long.

Unclench.

Unwind.

Breathe.

Live.

Smile.

I love you.

Heather, Baby.

I hate to hear you cry.
I hate that you don't know what to do.
and even worse,
I hate that I don't know what to do.

I love you.

I wish I knew what to do.

I wish you didn't have reason to cry.

I wish I could hold you.

I wish I could comfort you.

I wish I could be there for you.

I wish..things were different.

I hate this.

Goodbye Kyle.

I wish our family were more functional.
I have to let him go,
to give our family time to "put ourselves back together."
My only concern with that..
When were we ever really together?
this means that if I have to wait for a normal family
in order to date again..
I might as well tell him,
"See you when we're.?"
I should be more optimistic,
but that never really got me anywhere.
Then again, neither did pessimism.
Nothing ever gets me anywhere.
I'm always stuck here,
wallowing in guilt in pity,
on my pathetic little blog.

My inner brat.

She's dying to come out.

I'm about to puke her up.

I'd have to say she's the cause for word vomit.

Those things you try so hard not to say..

I'm trying so hard to

stay mature.

I hate acting like things are okay,

when I'm so not okay with them.

I hate this.

I have to be mature.

I can't be a brat.

La la, argghh..

What to do,

What to do..

Boys will put you on a pedestal to look up your dress.

I just thought this picture was cute.

I can't get over it.

Is this what I've been missing all along?

Being happy?

Is this really what I've been missing?

It's unreal.

I missed out on it for so long.

But I'm making up for lost time.

I'm so incredibly happy.

I can't stop smiling..

I love life,

and I love loving life. (:

Your total comes to $6.78, pull up to the first window please.

I love my life.

I love my job.

I love my boyfriend.

I love my Mom.

I love my best friend.

I love youth group.

I love Brooke Horne.

I love everything right now.

Is it possible to overdose on happiness?

It would